A few years ago, Japanese Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say "how r u". Then Mr. Clinton should say, "I am fine, and you?" Now, you should say "me too". Afterwards we translators, will do the work for you.
It looks quite simple, but the truth is When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said "Who r u?" (instead of "How r u?".) Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I"m Hillary"s husband, ha-ha..."Then Mori replied "me too, ha-ha..."Then there was a long silence in the meeting room!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
How the Fight Started
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"And that's how the fight started.....
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My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"I replied "Dust".And that's how the fight started.....
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'And that's how the fight started......
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. 'I bought her a scale.And that's how the fight started.....
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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'And that's when the fight started....
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?''No,' she answered.I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'And that's when the fight started....
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beerwould make her look better at night than the cold cream.And that's when the fight started.....
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?''Nah, she can order for herself.'And that's when the fight started.....
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My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"I replied "Dust".And that's how the fight started.....
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'And that's how the fight started......
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. 'I bought her a scale.And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'And that's when the fight started....
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?''No,' she answered.I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beerwould make her look better at night than the cold cream.And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?''Nah, she can order for herself.'And that's when the fight started.....
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Sum of Which
Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework:
“Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch…”
“Johnny !” shouted his mother. “Watch your language! You’re not allowed to use the swearwords.”
“But, Mom,” replied the boy, “that’s what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it.”
Next day Johnny’s mother went right into the classroom to complain. “Oh, heavens !” said the teacher.
“That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say, ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.’
“Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch…”
“Johnny !” shouted his mother. “Watch your language! You’re not allowed to use the swearwords.”
“But, Mom,” replied the boy, “that’s what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it.”
Next day Johnny’s mother went right into the classroom to complain. “Oh, heavens !” said the teacher.
“That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say, ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.’
Worms
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
Restroom Etiquettes
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”
Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.”
The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”
Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”
The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word “toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”
And Little Johnny says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”
Married Bar Talk
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ … and she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ … and she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”
Drunken Reincarnation
James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.
He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.
James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!”
St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated – but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”
“Never” replies James.
“Well just relax and let it happen.”
And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him – emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!
The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting the bed!”
He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.
James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!”
St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated – but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”
“Never” replies James.
“Well just relax and let it happen.”
And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him – emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!
The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting the bed!”
Funny Words of Wisdom To Cherish
*Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
*If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
*If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
*Indecision is the key to flexibility.
*One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
*Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
*The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
*The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.
*There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
*Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
*By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
*If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
*If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
*Indecision is the key to flexibility.
*One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
*Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
*The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
*The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.
*There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
*Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
*By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Moral of the story - Part 3
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.“They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.“They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Moral of the story - Part 2
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
“Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”
The eagle answered, “Sure , why not.”
So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
“Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”
The eagle answered, “Sure , why not.”
So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Moral of the story - Part 1
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
Mr.BEAN drives a Train
A train suddenly slips into a crop field and stumbles and stops.
The driver was Mr.Bean.Passengers:Are you blind,how did the train slipped into the field.
BEAN: A man was standing on the tracks.
Passengers:For one man you endangered so many lives, you must have smashed that man.
BEAN:I was trying to do that but he ran into the fields.
The driver was Mr.Bean.Passengers:Are you blind,how did the train slipped into the field.
BEAN: A man was standing on the tracks.
Passengers:For one man you endangered so many lives, you must have smashed that man.
BEAN:I was trying to do that but he ran into the fields.
A Professional Gambler
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Love is proved by Work in marriage
In married life, how do we let our spouse know that he/she is loved? Can our spouse feel this love through our words and deeds? Words are relatively easy. But love without work is like a body without a soul. We must work at being loving otherwise love will slowly fade away. The work we do will show how much our spouse means to us. Without work it is just lip service. It is just words. It is insincere and it is empty. But working takes effort and that puts us out of our comfort zone. It means going the extra mile for our loved one.
It is often said that love is proved by work of self-sacrifice. So how do we do that? The Bible points out many ways in which we can work to attain the oneness and companionship we desire in marriage. For love to grow and flourish in a marriage, we have to put in the effort to:
1. Work
Jesus loves us and He works at it, “we must carry out the work of the One who sent Me; the night will soon be here when no one can work.”(John 9:4 NJB) God loves us and St Paul says, “God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished...”
(Philippians 1:6 TEV)
When we court our mate, we work to look our best, we work at being on time, we work to be at our best behaviour, we work to please our mate, we take effort and time to select and give gifts that please, etc. When we have a baby we work at making the baby grow up healthy. We hug, kiss, feed, fuss over, change nappies, and wake up in the middle of the night to attend to the baby’s cry. We work and serve the need of the baby out of love and we get immense joy when the baby gives us a smile.
Mother Teresa says, “People who really and truly love each other are the happiest people in the world.” (Loving Jesus, 15) So, how do we continue to work at making our spouse know our love? The couple must constantly work at their marriage, spending time on it and making it into a labour of love.
2. Accept Differences
Do I always want my way? Do I become angry when I don’t have my way? But we are all unique. We are all brought up differently. So if we demand that our spouse follow only our way, we will have constant conflict and misunderstandings. We must learn to be tolerant so as to allow, accommodate and accept differences in views, perspectives, values, mannerisms, and ways of doing things. St Paul tells us, “Show your love by being tolerant with one another” (Ephesians 4:2 TEV)
3. Initiate Giving Love
What would be the result of our taking the initiative to express love towards our spouse? Am I affectionate? Do I nurture a gentle and patient relationship? We know that all good parents constantly encourage and affirm their children; do I regularly do the same with my spouse? The Bible tells us, ”we love Him because He first loved us.”(1 John 4:19 TEV) We must take the initiative and not forget the Golden Rule, “Do for others what you want them to do for you.” (Matthew 7:12 TEV) What the passages teach us is that if we want to nurture love in our relationship, we have to initiate giving love first.
4. Trust
Trust is the most fundamental ingredient in any lasting relationship. Am I deceptive and manipulative in my relationship with my spouse? Do I have double standards? Before we can trust each other we must be trustworthy ourselves. Faithfulness is vital for any married relationship. Without the deliberate choice to stay faithful, how can my spouse trust me? And one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit is “faithfulness” (Galatians 5:22 TEV). St Paul declares that love “believes all things,” emphasising the necessity of trust in any loving relationship. (1 Corinthians 13:7 NKJV)
5. Give sacrificially
At the root of all marital conflict is the struggle of who do I love more---myself or my spouse? Am I always self-serving? Am I considerate to my spouse’s feelings or am I only sensitive to my own feelings? Jesus acknowledges that it is natural that we all love ourselves very well but He commands us to “Love your neighbour as you love yourselves.” (Matthew 22:39 TEV) Our spouse is our closest neighbour. St Paul tells us, ”Men ought to love their wives just as they love their own bodies. A man who loves his wife loves himself. (None of us ever hate our bodies. Instead, we feed them, and take care of them)” [Ephesians 5:28-29 TEV]. Am I willing to sacrifice my innate self-centredness for the welfare and happiness of my spouse? Mother Teresa reminds us that, ”Love, in order to survive, must be nourished by sacrifices, especially the sacrifice of self.” (Loving Jesus, 101)
6. Restrain certain actions
How many times has our spouse requested us to refrain from certain behaviour? Has our spouse reminded us not to use foul language? Not to be so free with our sarcastic remarks? Has our spouse constantly asked us to stop our angry outbursts? Am I too proud to give way to such requests? Every time we fail to restrain ourselves, our spouse begins to question our love. God restrains Himself because of His great love for us: “For the sake of My name I shall defer My anger, for the sake of My honour I shall be patient with you, rather than destroy you.” (Isaiah 48:9 NJB)
7. Always seek reconciliation and compromise
Jesus seeks reconciliation with the whole world because He loves us and, ”He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants all to turn away from their sins.”(2 Peter 3:9 TEV) God devises a compromise to judgement by giving His Son to take our place, “For God loved the world so much that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him may not die but have eternal life.” (John 3:16 TEV) Love will always seek to find a solution to every conflict in marriage and be prepared to make compromises and to forgive and make up, regardless of who is right or wrong. It is the unity of the couple that really counts.
8. Commit Ourselves
Commitment is the enduring and long-suffering quality of love that works and fights to strengthen a relationship. It is in the nature of true love to bind itself, to commit itself. St Paul described this quality when he said, “Love suffers long. . . bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”(1 Corinthians 13:4,7,8 NKJV) Do we possess this kind of commitment? This kind of patience and commitment is essential if we are to find a solution to the inevitable conflict of personality differences in a marriage. The couple must have the willingness to stay the course and not give up too readily.
9. Endless Forgiveness
People we love often hurt us unintentionally or intentionally by what they do or what they fail to do. If we want our love to flourish and grow at home, we have to learn to forgive endlessly. Jesus reminds Peter the number of times he has to forgive his brother, “’Lord, if my brother keeps on sinning against me, how many times do I have to forgive him? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ answered Jesus, ‘but seventy times seven’” (Matthew 18:21-22 TEV). Similarly, Mother Teresa advises, “We must make our homes centers of compassion and forgive endlessly.” (A Gift for God, 18)
10. Stop keeping scores
The Bible teaches that “love does not keep a record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5 TEV). But can I choose to stop keeping scores of wrong done to me? We must learn to fully and completely forgive our spouse for the wrongs done to us. Forgiveness is fundamental to the growth of a loving relationship. Mother Teresa stresses, “We know that if we really want to love we must learn how to forgive.” (A Gift for God, 18) Jesus reminds us “If you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done.”(Matthew 6:15 TEV) God promises “I will forgive their sins and will no longer remember their wrongs.” (Hebrew 8:12 TEV) God does not keep a record of our wrongs when we repent. Similarly, we have to do the same.
11. Small acts of Care and Consideration
Many find it difficult to perform small acts of care and consideration in their homes. So we need a mindset change to provide them. The small acts of care and consideration are the daily living routine in the home such as encouraging, supporting, cheering, hugging, cooking, washing up after meals, vacuuming the house, smiles, taking time to chat and listen, warm greetings, accepting differences, constant affirmation, etc. If we can perform these little acts cheerfully and readily for each other, we will make our homes much more peaceful and happy. It is important that we learn the joy of sharing and serving each other. St Paul emphasises, “Let us be concerned for one another, to help one another, to show love and to do good.”(Hebrew 10:24 TEV)
12. Communicate
How our friends respond to our requests will determine how the friendship will progress---will it be better, strained or possibly end. Friendships that break are the ones that are full of verbal smoke screen. But friendships that last are the ones when individuals communicate how they desire to be loved. Jesus communicates His love for His disciples: ”I love you just as the Father loves Me”(John 15:9 TEV). “My commandment is this: love one another, just as I love you.”(John 15:12 TEV) Jesus also communicates how He wants us to love Him in return: ”If you love Me, you will obey My commandments.” (John 14:15 TEV) Similarly all marriages need constant honest and sincere communication between couple to flourish, grow and last. We must constantly affirm: “I love you very much.” “You mean everything to me.” “You make my day.” “I care for you.” “I think of you often.” “You are my greatest gift.” “Marrying you is the best decision I have made.” We communicate our love by our words, attitudes and deeds.
13. Anger
Do I get angry if I don’t get my way? Do I have a short fuse? Anger takes many forms. It can be obvious or it can be subtle. Some tempers manifest themselves in the following ways:a) explosion----we rage, we use anger to lash out at others and intimidate them.b) implosion----we give the silent treatment, we sulk, we turn it inward and beat ourselves up.c) irritation---we have little tolerance, we are out of control.d) repetition---we nag constantly, we are stuck in the same angry groove. We are the only one who can make ourselves angry. We choose how we respond to the event that upset us. We must choose to take active steps “never let the sun set on our anger or else we will give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:27 NJB) The devil of anger will build walls between the couple. Taming our anger is one step towards demolishing the walls of resentment and lack of tolerance.
14. Mercy
All marriages have their differences. There will always be disagreements. One major obstacle to reconciliation in any dispute is for the couple to stand on their pride and to stand on their presumed rightness. No reconciliation can start if the spouses do not learn to extend mercy to each other. Although the merciful one knows the risk of being hurt again, he/she still seeks ways to extend mercy.
But what has mercy got to do in a marriage relationship? We know that mercy is extending kindness to the other party. When I refuse to extend mercy, I am implicitly saying that you must first pay for the so called hurt you have done to me before we can be reconciled. You must pay by apologizing first. I justify myself and I want justice. I put myself right and the other party wrong. I maintain that I am right. I am too proud to admit to any fault or to forgive first. If both sides ardently justify themselves, there can be no reconciliation. In order for the marriage to grow, we must learn to extend mercy to each other. For “Blessed are the merciful, For they shall obtain mercy” (Matthew 5:7 NKJV). And when we extend mercy to our spouse, we are being kind to ourselves. As Portia in Shakespeare’s “The Merchant of Venice” says, “It (mercy) is twice blest: It blesseth him that gives and him that takes” (Act4: Scene I:184-185).
If we constantly harden our heart and ask for “our pound of flesh,” we will invariably head for trouble in our marriage. So don’t harbour grudges. Don’t rankle and don’t let the sun go down by standing on our self-righteousness and pride. Each may think that he/she is right but remember that there are many ways to look at the same thing. Jesus tells the Pharisees to “go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy and not sacrifice'” (Matthew 9:13 NKJV). Thus we must also go and learn to extend mercy in any marriage dispute to come to reconciliation.15. Putting our spouse first
Am I always kind and appreciative to my spouse? When I take action or make a decision, do I consider my spouse first. St Paul stresses this priority when he says that we are to “learn first of all to do our duty to our own families”(1 Timothy 5:4 NJB). Duty here means respect or godliness. So our first priority must be to show respect and godliness to the people in our homes. We must also “look out for one another’s interest, not just for your own.” (Philippians 2:4 TEV)
It is extremely important to remember that the limited checklist above is for oneself to grow and improve and NOT as a checklist to use against our spouse. None of us, on our own effort, will have the staying power to stick to the above works. But if we ask the Holy Spirit within us to guide and help us stay the course, we will, in time, come close to achieving the ideal love we all so desired.
Incidentally, an easy way to constantly review in our mind the above deeds is to remember this acronym:
We patiently W A I T for G R A C E S from God. So let us go and join His C A M P.
It is often said that love is proved by work of self-sacrifice. So how do we do that? The Bible points out many ways in which we can work to attain the oneness and companionship we desire in marriage. For love to grow and flourish in a marriage, we have to put in the effort to:
1. Work
Jesus loves us and He works at it, “we must carry out the work of the One who sent Me; the night will soon be here when no one can work.”(John 9:4 NJB) God loves us and St Paul says, “God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished...”
(Philippians 1:6 TEV)
When we court our mate, we work to look our best, we work at being on time, we work to be at our best behaviour, we work to please our mate, we take effort and time to select and give gifts that please, etc. When we have a baby we work at making the baby grow up healthy. We hug, kiss, feed, fuss over, change nappies, and wake up in the middle of the night to attend to the baby’s cry. We work and serve the need of the baby out of love and we get immense joy when the baby gives us a smile.
Mother Teresa says, “People who really and truly love each other are the happiest people in the world.” (Loving Jesus, 15) So, how do we continue to work at making our spouse know our love? The couple must constantly work at their marriage, spending time on it and making it into a labour of love.
2. Accept Differences
Do I always want my way? Do I become angry when I don’t have my way? But we are all unique. We are all brought up differently. So if we demand that our spouse follow only our way, we will have constant conflict and misunderstandings. We must learn to be tolerant so as to allow, accommodate and accept differences in views, perspectives, values, mannerisms, and ways of doing things. St Paul tells us, “Show your love by being tolerant with one another” (Ephesians 4:2 TEV)
3. Initiate Giving Love
What would be the result of our taking the initiative to express love towards our spouse? Am I affectionate? Do I nurture a gentle and patient relationship? We know that all good parents constantly encourage and affirm their children; do I regularly do the same with my spouse? The Bible tells us, ”we love Him because He first loved us.”(1 John 4:19 TEV) We must take the initiative and not forget the Golden Rule, “Do for others what you want them to do for you.” (Matthew 7:12 TEV) What the passages teach us is that if we want to nurture love in our relationship, we have to initiate giving love first.
4. Trust
Trust is the most fundamental ingredient in any lasting relationship. Am I deceptive and manipulative in my relationship with my spouse? Do I have double standards? Before we can trust each other we must be trustworthy ourselves. Faithfulness is vital for any married relationship. Without the deliberate choice to stay faithful, how can my spouse trust me? And one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit is “faithfulness” (Galatians 5:22 TEV). St Paul declares that love “believes all things,” emphasising the necessity of trust in any loving relationship. (1 Corinthians 13:7 NKJV)
5. Give sacrificially
At the root of all marital conflict is the struggle of who do I love more---myself or my spouse? Am I always self-serving? Am I considerate to my spouse’s feelings or am I only sensitive to my own feelings? Jesus acknowledges that it is natural that we all love ourselves very well but He commands us to “Love your neighbour as you love yourselves.” (Matthew 22:39 TEV) Our spouse is our closest neighbour. St Paul tells us, ”Men ought to love their wives just as they love their own bodies. A man who loves his wife loves himself. (None of us ever hate our bodies. Instead, we feed them, and take care of them)” [Ephesians 5:28-29 TEV]. Am I willing to sacrifice my innate self-centredness for the welfare and happiness of my spouse? Mother Teresa reminds us that, ”Love, in order to survive, must be nourished by sacrifices, especially the sacrifice of self.” (Loving Jesus, 101)
6. Restrain certain actions
How many times has our spouse requested us to refrain from certain behaviour? Has our spouse reminded us not to use foul language? Not to be so free with our sarcastic remarks? Has our spouse constantly asked us to stop our angry outbursts? Am I too proud to give way to such requests? Every time we fail to restrain ourselves, our spouse begins to question our love. God restrains Himself because of His great love for us: “For the sake of My name I shall defer My anger, for the sake of My honour I shall be patient with you, rather than destroy you.” (Isaiah 48:9 NJB)
7. Always seek reconciliation and compromise
Jesus seeks reconciliation with the whole world because He loves us and, ”He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants all to turn away from their sins.”(2 Peter 3:9 TEV) God devises a compromise to judgement by giving His Son to take our place, “For God loved the world so much that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him may not die but have eternal life.” (John 3:16 TEV) Love will always seek to find a solution to every conflict in marriage and be prepared to make compromises and to forgive and make up, regardless of who is right or wrong. It is the unity of the couple that really counts.
8. Commit Ourselves
Commitment is the enduring and long-suffering quality of love that works and fights to strengthen a relationship. It is in the nature of true love to bind itself, to commit itself. St Paul described this quality when he said, “Love suffers long. . . bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”(1 Corinthians 13:4,7,8 NKJV) Do we possess this kind of commitment? This kind of patience and commitment is essential if we are to find a solution to the inevitable conflict of personality differences in a marriage. The couple must have the willingness to stay the course and not give up too readily.
9. Endless Forgiveness
People we love often hurt us unintentionally or intentionally by what they do or what they fail to do. If we want our love to flourish and grow at home, we have to learn to forgive endlessly. Jesus reminds Peter the number of times he has to forgive his brother, “’Lord, if my brother keeps on sinning against me, how many times do I have to forgive him? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ answered Jesus, ‘but seventy times seven’” (Matthew 18:21-22 TEV). Similarly, Mother Teresa advises, “We must make our homes centers of compassion and forgive endlessly.” (A Gift for God, 18)
10. Stop keeping scores
The Bible teaches that “love does not keep a record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5 TEV). But can I choose to stop keeping scores of wrong done to me? We must learn to fully and completely forgive our spouse for the wrongs done to us. Forgiveness is fundamental to the growth of a loving relationship. Mother Teresa stresses, “We know that if we really want to love we must learn how to forgive.” (A Gift for God, 18) Jesus reminds us “If you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done.”(Matthew 6:15 TEV) God promises “I will forgive their sins and will no longer remember their wrongs.” (Hebrew 8:12 TEV) God does not keep a record of our wrongs when we repent. Similarly, we have to do the same.
11. Small acts of Care and Consideration
Many find it difficult to perform small acts of care and consideration in their homes. So we need a mindset change to provide them. The small acts of care and consideration are the daily living routine in the home such as encouraging, supporting, cheering, hugging, cooking, washing up after meals, vacuuming the house, smiles, taking time to chat and listen, warm greetings, accepting differences, constant affirmation, etc. If we can perform these little acts cheerfully and readily for each other, we will make our homes much more peaceful and happy. It is important that we learn the joy of sharing and serving each other. St Paul emphasises, “Let us be concerned for one another, to help one another, to show love and to do good.”(Hebrew 10:24 TEV)
12. Communicate
How our friends respond to our requests will determine how the friendship will progress---will it be better, strained or possibly end. Friendships that break are the ones that are full of verbal smoke screen. But friendships that last are the ones when individuals communicate how they desire to be loved. Jesus communicates His love for His disciples: ”I love you just as the Father loves Me”(John 15:9 TEV). “My commandment is this: love one another, just as I love you.”(John 15:12 TEV) Jesus also communicates how He wants us to love Him in return: ”If you love Me, you will obey My commandments.” (John 14:15 TEV) Similarly all marriages need constant honest and sincere communication between couple to flourish, grow and last. We must constantly affirm: “I love you very much.” “You mean everything to me.” “You make my day.” “I care for you.” “I think of you often.” “You are my greatest gift.” “Marrying you is the best decision I have made.” We communicate our love by our words, attitudes and deeds.
13. Anger
Do I get angry if I don’t get my way? Do I have a short fuse? Anger takes many forms. It can be obvious or it can be subtle. Some tempers manifest themselves in the following ways:a) explosion----we rage, we use anger to lash out at others and intimidate them.b) implosion----we give the silent treatment, we sulk, we turn it inward and beat ourselves up.c) irritation---we have little tolerance, we are out of control.d) repetition---we nag constantly, we are stuck in the same angry groove. We are the only one who can make ourselves angry. We choose how we respond to the event that upset us. We must choose to take active steps “never let the sun set on our anger or else we will give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:27 NJB) The devil of anger will build walls between the couple. Taming our anger is one step towards demolishing the walls of resentment and lack of tolerance.
14. Mercy
All marriages have their differences. There will always be disagreements. One major obstacle to reconciliation in any dispute is for the couple to stand on their pride and to stand on their presumed rightness. No reconciliation can start if the spouses do not learn to extend mercy to each other. Although the merciful one knows the risk of being hurt again, he/she still seeks ways to extend mercy.
But what has mercy got to do in a marriage relationship? We know that mercy is extending kindness to the other party. When I refuse to extend mercy, I am implicitly saying that you must first pay for the so called hurt you have done to me before we can be reconciled. You must pay by apologizing first. I justify myself and I want justice. I put myself right and the other party wrong. I maintain that I am right. I am too proud to admit to any fault or to forgive first. If both sides ardently justify themselves, there can be no reconciliation. In order for the marriage to grow, we must learn to extend mercy to each other. For “Blessed are the merciful, For they shall obtain mercy” (Matthew 5:7 NKJV). And when we extend mercy to our spouse, we are being kind to ourselves. As Portia in Shakespeare’s “The Merchant of Venice” says, “It (mercy) is twice blest: It blesseth him that gives and him that takes” (Act4: Scene I:184-185).
If we constantly harden our heart and ask for “our pound of flesh,” we will invariably head for trouble in our marriage. So don’t harbour grudges. Don’t rankle and don’t let the sun go down by standing on our self-righteousness and pride. Each may think that he/she is right but remember that there are many ways to look at the same thing. Jesus tells the Pharisees to “go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy and not sacrifice'” (Matthew 9:13 NKJV). Thus we must also go and learn to extend mercy in any marriage dispute to come to reconciliation.15. Putting our spouse first
Am I always kind and appreciative to my spouse? When I take action or make a decision, do I consider my spouse first. St Paul stresses this priority when he says that we are to “learn first of all to do our duty to our own families”(1 Timothy 5:4 NJB). Duty here means respect or godliness. So our first priority must be to show respect and godliness to the people in our homes. We must also “look out for one another’s interest, not just for your own.” (Philippians 2:4 TEV)
It is extremely important to remember that the limited checklist above is for oneself to grow and improve and NOT as a checklist to use against our spouse. None of us, on our own effort, will have the staying power to stick to the above works. But if we ask the Holy Spirit within us to guide and help us stay the course, we will, in time, come close to achieving the ideal love we all so desired.
Incidentally, an easy way to constantly review in our mind the above deeds is to remember this acronym:
We patiently W A I T for G R A C E S from God. So let us go and join His C A M P.
Words can Heal and Words can Harm
Words are very important. Words can heal and words can harm. Words can hurt grievously and for a long time. The tongue can bless and the tongue can curse. It is very important for us to control our words and tame our tongue when we are angry. Many times, when we are angry we say the most atrocious things. We forget ourselves and become indifferent to what we say. We blast the other person without mercy, although we may not mean those words. But words once spoken cannot be taken back and it takes a long time to forgive and forget. We have to exercise self-control. Many couples are particularly prone to such outbursts when they get mad. But it is not an easy thing to control our tongue when we are provoked, boiled over with anger or have outburst of wrath. It is at such time that we have to learn to hold our tongue and to remain silent. If we can’t tame our tongue, we have to take a break or go for a walk to cool off. It is much easier to control the words before the blow-up than during the explosion.
Uncontrollable words spoken in anger can have devastating effect. Angry words, that are used unthinkingly, such as “I don’t care,” ”I can’t be bothered,” “I don’t need you,” or “you can go to hell” cause pain and feelings of rejection. They give rise to insecurity. The unmeant and foolish words contain full of deadly poison and can play havoc in the mind. The unruly words get churned over for hours on end and create their worst mischief in a difficult relationship. It can take a very long time to forgive what was said. Let us learn to turn away from angry words before they leave our mouth and try to say healing words instead. Father Henri Nouwen said, “It is so important to choose our words wisely. When we are boiling with anger and eager to throw bitter words at our opponents, it is better to remain silent. Words spoken in rage will make reconciliation very hard. Choosing life and not death, blessings and not curses, often starts by choosing to remain silent or choosing carefully the words that open the way to healing.” (“Bread for the Journey,” Sept 5)
We must also be very careful that in our anger we do not label our children with ugly names such as fat, stupid, snake, pig, moron, ‘kay-poh’(busy-body), useless, good for nothing. Such negative words can do harm to them for years to come! Henri Nouwen said, “When we say to someone, ‘You are an ugly, useless, despicable person,’ we might have ruined the possibility for a relationship with that person for life. Words can continue to do harm for many years.” (“Bread for the Journey,” Sept 5) Indeed, we do not want to spoil our relationship with our own precious children. We must always use words to build them up not words to knock them down. Be an encourager not a critic. They have enough people criticizing them but far too few approving and affirming them. So to help our children to fulfill their highest potential we should be their greatest ENCOURAGER. Encourage. Encourage. Encourage on every occasion.
St Paul advises us not to speak harmful words but to use helpful words, “Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.” (Ephesians 4:29 TEV) Also, don’t utter vulgar or obscene words, “Nor is it fitting for you to use language which is obscene, profane, or vulgar.” (Ephesians 5:4 TEV) And no more immoral talks, jokes or gossips “Since you are God’s people, it is not right that any matters of sexual immorality or indecency or greed should even be mentioned among you...You may be sure that no one who is immoral, indecent, or greedy (for greed is a form of idolatry) will ever receive a share in the Kingdom of Christ and of God.”(Ephesians 5:3,5 TEV) St Paul warns us not to quarrel so we are to “Remind our people of this, and give them a solemn warning in God’s presence not to fight with words. It does no good, but only ruins the people who listen...Keep away from profane and foolish discussions, which only drive people further away from God. Such teaching is like an open sore that eats away the flesh.”(2 Timothy 2:14,16-17 TEV) He reiterates that we should “keep away from foolish and ignorant arguments; you know that they end up in quarrels. As the Lord’s servant, you must not quarrel. You must be kind toward all, a good and patient teacher, who is gentle as you correct your opponents, for it may be that God will give them the opportunity to repent and come to know the truth. And then they will come to their senses and escape the trap of the Devil, who had caught them and made them obey his will.”(2 Timothy 2:22-26 TEV)
It is vitally important that we exercise our choice to speak helpful words wherever we are, particularly at home. As Henri Nouwen said, “Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement, and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be one of the greatest acts of love.” (“Bread for the Journey,” June 22) When we choose to speak words of care, words of encouragement, words of praise, words of love, words of admiration, positive words---they uplift and give meaning to our lives. Everyday we need to give and receive words of encouragement, hope and joy. We then create an environment that is pleasant to be in and that gives us the confidence and courage to cope with our stressful life here and now. Henri Nouwen said, “When we say to our parents, children, or friends, ‘I love you very much’ or ‘I care for you’ or ‘I think of you often’ or ‘You are my great gift,’ we choose to give life.
"It is not always easy to express our love directly in words. But whenever we do, we discover we have offered a blessing that will be long remembered. When a son can say to his father, ‘Dad, I love you,’ and when a mother can say to her daughter, ‘Child, I love you,’ a whole new blessed place can be opened up, a space where it is good to dwell. Indeed, words have the power to create life.” (“Bread for the Journey,” Sept 6)
Often, we want to hear words such as, “’I’ve been thinking of you today,’ or ‘I missed you,’ or ‘I wish you were here,’ or ‘I really love you.’ It is not always easy to say these words, but such words can deepen our bonds with one another.
"Telling someone ‘I love you’ in whatever way is always delivering good news. Nobody will respond by saying, ‘Well, I know that already, you don’t have to say it again!’ Words of love and affirmation are like bread. We need them each day, over and over. They keep us alive inside.” (“Bread for the Journey,” Feb 12) “When we say, ‘I love you,’ and say it from the heart, we can give another person new life, new hope, new courage. When we say, ‘I hate you,’ we can destroy another person. Let’s watch our words." (“Bread for the Journey,” Feb 11)
At the same time, we must be careful that we are sincere in our words because if we say, ‘I love you,’ without meaning it, then such words do more harm than good. But if these same words are spoken from the heart, they create new life. They give joy. They bring happiness. We have to make sure that our words are rooted from our heart.
To dwell in peace and joy, we have to learn from Jesus. As Henri Nouwen said, ”The words of Jesus can keep us erect and confident in the midst of the turmoil of the end-time. They can support us, encourage us, and give us life even when everything around us speaks of death. Jesus’ words are food for eternal life. They do much more than give us ideas and inspiration. They lead us into the eternal life while we are still being clothed in mortal flesh.
" When we keep close to the word of Jesus, reflecting on it, ‘chewing’ on it, eating it as food for the soul, we will enter even more deeply into the everlasting love of God.” (“Bread for the Journey,” Sept 20) So it is vitally essential for us to read the Bible, as, “Spiritual reading is food for our souls. As we slowly let the words of the Bible or a good spiritual book enter into our minds and descend into our hearts, we become different people. The Word gradually becomes flesh in us and transforms our whole being. Thus spiritual reading is a continuing incarnation of the divine Word within us. In and through Jesus, the Christ, God became flesh long ago. In and through our reading of God’s Word and our reflection on it, God becomes flesh in us now and makes us into living Christs for today.
" Let’s keep reading God’s Word with love and great reverence.”
(“Bread for the Journey,” April 16)
Since love is proved by works and not words alone, “What we live is more important than what we say, because the right way of living always leads to the right way of speaking. When we forgive our neighbours from our hearts, our hearts will speak forgiving words. When we are grateful, we will speak grateful words, and when we are hopeful and joyful, we will speak hopeful and joyful words.
"When our words come too soon and we are not yet living what we are saying, we easily give double messages. Giving double messages--one with our words and another with our actions--makes us hypocrites. May our lives give us the right words, and may our words lead us to the right lives.” (“Bread for the Journey,” June 20)
Should we, then, keep quiet and not speak at all if we cannot live by what we say? No, said Henri Nouwen, “Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God’s love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always speak louder that our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble. (“Bread for the Journey,” June 21)
Finally, we need to remind ourselves that all of us have a responsibility to share and pass on our unique experiences in life to our children and others by telling our stories, verbally or if possible, in writing. Henri Nouwen said “One of the arguments we often use for not writing is this: ‘I have nothing original to say. Whatever I might say someone else has already said it, and better than I will ever be able to.’ This, however, is not a good argument for not writing. Each human being is unique and original, and nobody has lived what we have lived. Furthermore, what we have lived, we have lived not just for ourselves but for others as well. Writing can be a creative and invigorating way to make our lives available to ourselves and to others.
"We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told. We may discover that the better we tell our stories the better we will want to live them.” (“Bread for the Journey,” April 29) Writing also helps us to touch base and clarify our thoughts for us to live our life more fully. ”Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deepest stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living, and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write.
"Quite often a difficult, painful, or frustrating day can be ‘redeemed’ by writing about it. By writing we can claim what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too.” (“Bread for the Journey,” April 27)
Uncontrollable words spoken in anger can have devastating effect. Angry words, that are used unthinkingly, such as “I don’t care,” ”I can’t be bothered,” “I don’t need you,” or “you can go to hell” cause pain and feelings of rejection. They give rise to insecurity. The unmeant and foolish words contain full of deadly poison and can play havoc in the mind. The unruly words get churned over for hours on end and create their worst mischief in a difficult relationship. It can take a very long time to forgive what was said. Let us learn to turn away from angry words before they leave our mouth and try to say healing words instead. Father Henri Nouwen said, “It is so important to choose our words wisely. When we are boiling with anger and eager to throw bitter words at our opponents, it is better to remain silent. Words spoken in rage will make reconciliation very hard. Choosing life and not death, blessings and not curses, often starts by choosing to remain silent or choosing carefully the words that open the way to healing.” (“Bread for the Journey,” Sept 5)
We must also be very careful that in our anger we do not label our children with ugly names such as fat, stupid, snake, pig, moron, ‘kay-poh’(busy-body), useless, good for nothing. Such negative words can do harm to them for years to come! Henri Nouwen said, “When we say to someone, ‘You are an ugly, useless, despicable person,’ we might have ruined the possibility for a relationship with that person for life. Words can continue to do harm for many years.” (“Bread for the Journey,” Sept 5) Indeed, we do not want to spoil our relationship with our own precious children. We must always use words to build them up not words to knock them down. Be an encourager not a critic. They have enough people criticizing them but far too few approving and affirming them. So to help our children to fulfill their highest potential we should be their greatest ENCOURAGER. Encourage. Encourage. Encourage on every occasion.
St Paul advises us not to speak harmful words but to use helpful words, “Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.” (Ephesians 4:29 TEV) Also, don’t utter vulgar or obscene words, “Nor is it fitting for you to use language which is obscene, profane, or vulgar.” (Ephesians 5:4 TEV) And no more immoral talks, jokes or gossips “Since you are God’s people, it is not right that any matters of sexual immorality or indecency or greed should even be mentioned among you...You may be sure that no one who is immoral, indecent, or greedy (for greed is a form of idolatry) will ever receive a share in the Kingdom of Christ and of God.”(Ephesians 5:3,5 TEV) St Paul warns us not to quarrel so we are to “Remind our people of this, and give them a solemn warning in God’s presence not to fight with words. It does no good, but only ruins the people who listen...Keep away from profane and foolish discussions, which only drive people further away from God. Such teaching is like an open sore that eats away the flesh.”(2 Timothy 2:14,16-17 TEV) He reiterates that we should “keep away from foolish and ignorant arguments; you know that they end up in quarrels. As the Lord’s servant, you must not quarrel. You must be kind toward all, a good and patient teacher, who is gentle as you correct your opponents, for it may be that God will give them the opportunity to repent and come to know the truth. And then they will come to their senses and escape the trap of the Devil, who had caught them and made them obey his will.”(2 Timothy 2:22-26 TEV)
It is vitally important that we exercise our choice to speak helpful words wherever we are, particularly at home. As Henri Nouwen said, “Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement, and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be one of the greatest acts of love.” (“Bread for the Journey,” June 22) When we choose to speak words of care, words of encouragement, words of praise, words of love, words of admiration, positive words---they uplift and give meaning to our lives. Everyday we need to give and receive words of encouragement, hope and joy. We then create an environment that is pleasant to be in and that gives us the confidence and courage to cope with our stressful life here and now. Henri Nouwen said, “When we say to our parents, children, or friends, ‘I love you very much’ or ‘I care for you’ or ‘I think of you often’ or ‘You are my great gift,’ we choose to give life.
"It is not always easy to express our love directly in words. But whenever we do, we discover we have offered a blessing that will be long remembered. When a son can say to his father, ‘Dad, I love you,’ and when a mother can say to her daughter, ‘Child, I love you,’ a whole new blessed place can be opened up, a space where it is good to dwell. Indeed, words have the power to create life.” (“Bread for the Journey,” Sept 6)
Often, we want to hear words such as, “’I’ve been thinking of you today,’ or ‘I missed you,’ or ‘I wish you were here,’ or ‘I really love you.’ It is not always easy to say these words, but such words can deepen our bonds with one another.
"Telling someone ‘I love you’ in whatever way is always delivering good news. Nobody will respond by saying, ‘Well, I know that already, you don’t have to say it again!’ Words of love and affirmation are like bread. We need them each day, over and over. They keep us alive inside.” (“Bread for the Journey,” Feb 12) “When we say, ‘I love you,’ and say it from the heart, we can give another person new life, new hope, new courage. When we say, ‘I hate you,’ we can destroy another person. Let’s watch our words." (“Bread for the Journey,” Feb 11)
At the same time, we must be careful that we are sincere in our words because if we say, ‘I love you,’ without meaning it, then such words do more harm than good. But if these same words are spoken from the heart, they create new life. They give joy. They bring happiness. We have to make sure that our words are rooted from our heart.
To dwell in peace and joy, we have to learn from Jesus. As Henri Nouwen said, ”The words of Jesus can keep us erect and confident in the midst of the turmoil of the end-time. They can support us, encourage us, and give us life even when everything around us speaks of death. Jesus’ words are food for eternal life. They do much more than give us ideas and inspiration. They lead us into the eternal life while we are still being clothed in mortal flesh.
" When we keep close to the word of Jesus, reflecting on it, ‘chewing’ on it, eating it as food for the soul, we will enter even more deeply into the everlasting love of God.” (“Bread for the Journey,” Sept 20) So it is vitally essential for us to read the Bible, as, “Spiritual reading is food for our souls. As we slowly let the words of the Bible or a good spiritual book enter into our minds and descend into our hearts, we become different people. The Word gradually becomes flesh in us and transforms our whole being. Thus spiritual reading is a continuing incarnation of the divine Word within us. In and through Jesus, the Christ, God became flesh long ago. In and through our reading of God’s Word and our reflection on it, God becomes flesh in us now and makes us into living Christs for today.
" Let’s keep reading God’s Word with love and great reverence.”
(“Bread for the Journey,” April 16)
Since love is proved by works and not words alone, “What we live is more important than what we say, because the right way of living always leads to the right way of speaking. When we forgive our neighbours from our hearts, our hearts will speak forgiving words. When we are grateful, we will speak grateful words, and when we are hopeful and joyful, we will speak hopeful and joyful words.
"When our words come too soon and we are not yet living what we are saying, we easily give double messages. Giving double messages--one with our words and another with our actions--makes us hypocrites. May our lives give us the right words, and may our words lead us to the right lives.” (“Bread for the Journey,” June 20)
Should we, then, keep quiet and not speak at all if we cannot live by what we say? No, said Henri Nouwen, “Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God’s love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always speak louder that our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble. (“Bread for the Journey,” June 21)
Finally, we need to remind ourselves that all of us have a responsibility to share and pass on our unique experiences in life to our children and others by telling our stories, verbally or if possible, in writing. Henri Nouwen said “One of the arguments we often use for not writing is this: ‘I have nothing original to say. Whatever I might say someone else has already said it, and better than I will ever be able to.’ This, however, is not a good argument for not writing. Each human being is unique and original, and nobody has lived what we have lived. Furthermore, what we have lived, we have lived not just for ourselves but for others as well. Writing can be a creative and invigorating way to make our lives available to ourselves and to others.
"We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told. We may discover that the better we tell our stories the better we will want to live them.” (“Bread for the Journey,” April 29) Writing also helps us to touch base and clarify our thoughts for us to live our life more fully. ”Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deepest stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living, and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write.
"Quite often a difficult, painful, or frustrating day can be ‘redeemed’ by writing about it. By writing we can claim what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too.” (“Bread for the Journey,” April 27)
Secrets of Happy Home Life
Home is among the holiest of words. A true home is one of the most sacred of places. It is a sanctuary into which men flee from the world's perils and alarms. It is a resting-place to which at close of day the weary retire to gather new strength for the battle and toils of tomorrow. It is the place where love learns its lessons, where life is schooled into discipline and strength, where character is molded. Out of the homes of a community comes the life of the community, as a river from the thousand springs that gush out on the hillsides.
We are all concerned in the making of some one home---our own home. One instrument out of tune in an orchestra mars the music which breaks upon the ears of the listeners. One discordant life in a household mars the perfectness of the music of love in the family. We should make sure that our life is not the one that is out of tune. We do not need to worry about the other lives; if each looks to his own, that will do.
When our Lord sent His disciples out to preach, one of His instructions was "Into whatever house you enter, first say, Peace be to this house." Peace is a good word. It is more than a salutation; falling from the Master's lips, it is a divine benediction as well. Peace, too, is a fruit of grace, which includes all that is sweetest and most divine in Christian culture. It is especially suggestive of the harmony of love, which is the perfection of beautiful living. Christ's peace is a blessing, which comes out of struggle and discipline. Well, therefore, does the salutation "Peace!" befit a Christian home, which ought to be the abode of peace.
What are some of the secrets of happy home life? The answer might be given in one word---Christ. Christ at the marriage-altar; Christ on the bridal journey; Christ when the new home is set up; Christ when the baby is born; Christ when a child dies; Christ in the pinching times; Christ in the days of plenty; Christ in the nursery, in the kitchen, in the parlor; Christ in the toil and in the rest; Christ along all the years; Christ when the wedded pair walk toward the sunset gates; Christ in the sad hour when farewells are spoken, and one goes on before and the other stays, bearing the unshared grief. Christ is the secret of happy home life.
What are some of the secrets of happy home life? The answer might be given in one word---Christ. Christ at the marriage-altar; Christ on the bridal journey; Christ when the new home is set up; Christ when the baby is born; Christ when a child dies; Christ in the pinching times; Christ in the days of plenty; Christ in the nursery, in the kitchen, in the parlor; Christ in the toil and in the rest; Christ along all the years; Christ when the wedded pair walk toward the sunset gates; Christ in the sad hour when farewells are spoken, and one goes on before and the other stays, bearing the unshared grief. Christ is the secret of happy home life.
There must be a wise choosing before marriage, or it may be impossible to make a happy home. At few points in life is divine guidance more severely needed than when the question of marriage is decided. A mistake then will cast its shadows down all the years to the close of life. Many a career is blighted by a foolish marriage. Wedded happiness depends greatly on reverent, prayerful, deliberate, wise choosing before marriage.
But now the choices have been made---carefully made---we will say. The happy day has come. The plighted lovers stand at the marriage-altar. Taking the woman's hand, the man says to her---"I take you to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge you my fidelity." Taking the hand of the man, the woman says to him, with slight verbal variations, the same words. The two are pronounced husband and wife, and go forth to begin their wedded life together, no more twain, but now one.
The happy pair are in their own home. It may be a fine, great house, with rich furniture, costly pictures, and all the elegance of wealth; or it may be a little house, with four rooms, cheap furniture, homemade carpets, and empty of adornment. It makes very little difference what the size of the house, or what its furniture may be. The happiness of the home does not depend on the house or on what it contains; the people who live in the house MAKE the happiness,---or MAR it.
The HUSBAND has his part. He must be a good man. Not every man who marries thinks of the responsibility he assumes when he takes a young girl away from the shelter of father-love and mother-love---the softest, warmest nest in the world, and leads her into a new home, where henceforth his love is to be her only shelter. Well may the woman say as she goes to the marriage altar---
"Before I trust my fate to you,
Or place my hand in thine;
Before I let your future give
Color and form to mine;
Before I peril all to thee,
Question your soul tonight for me.
Does there within your dimmest dreams
A possible future shine
Wherein your life could henceforth breathe
Untouched, unshared by mine?
If so, at any pain or cost,
Oh, tell me before all is lost."
No man is fit to be a husband who is not a good man. He need not be great, nor rich, nor brilliant, nor clever, but he must be good, or he is not worthy to take a gentle, trusting woman's tender life into his keeping. Of course he must love his wife; without love there is no real marriage, and ceremony and ring and vows and prayer are only empty formalities. He must love his wife and be always her lover. The world has read and heard quite enough moralizing about a wife's duty to be always winning and attractive, retaining the charm of girlhood amid all cares, toils, and sorrows. Of course; but is a husband under less obligation to love his wife and always to be lover-like? This is a good rule, which should work both ways.
But affectionateness, however desirable, is not all that is needed in a husband who would do his full share in happy home making. Life is not all sentiment. We cannot live on ambrosia. Happiness must have a very practical basis. A good husband must be a man. He must be a good man---manly, true, worthy, brave, generous, a man whom a noble woman can respect and honor all the days of her life. He must be a sober man; no man who comes home under the influence of intoxicating drink, even occasionally only, is going to do quite his share in making happiness for the woman who has trusted her all to him. He must be a man of pure, unblemished life, whose character is above suspicion, whose name will always be an honor and a pride in his own home. The husband has a great deal to do with the question of home happiness.
The WIFE, too, has a responsibility. The prosaic arts of housekeeping are far more important factors of home happiness than many people without experience imagine. John Ruskin talks to young women of the etymology of the name 'wife'---"What do you think the beautiful word 'wife' comes from?" he asks. "It means 'weaver.' You must either be house-wives or house-moths; remember that. In the deep sense, you must weave men's fortunes, and embroider them, or feed upon them, and bring them to decay. Wherever a true wife comes, home is always around her. The stars may be the canopy over her head, the glow-worm in the night's cold grass be the fire at her feet, but home is where she is; and for a noble woman it stretches far around her,---better than houses with ceilings of cedar, or with paintings of the masters, shedding its quiet light for those who else were homeless.
"Home is the true wife's kingdom. There, first of all places, she must be strong and beautiful. She may touch life outside in many ways, if she can do it without slighting the duties that are hers within her own doors. But if any calls for her service must be declined, they should not be the duties of her home. These are hers, and no other one's. Very largely does the wife hold in her hands, as a sacred trust, the happiness and the highest good of the hearts that nestle there. The best husband---the truest, the noblest, the gentlest, the richest-hearted---cannot make his home happy if his wife be not, in every reasonable sense, a helpmate to him.
In the last analysis, home happiness depends on the wife. Her spirit gives the home its atmosphere. Her hands fashion its beauty. Her heart makes its love. And the end is so worthy, so noble, so divine, that no woman who has been called to be a wife, and has listened to the call, should consider any price too great to pay, to be the light, the joy, the blessing, the inspiration of a home.
Men with fine gifts think it worth while to live to paint a few great pictures which shall be looked at and admired for generations; or to write a few songs which shall sing themselves into the ears and hearts of men. But the woman who makes a sweet, beautiful home, filling it with love and prayer and purity, is doing something better than anything else her hands could find to do beneath the skies.
Some marriages are unhappy. How can husband and wife live happily in their wedded life? Wedded happiness is a lesson that must be learned. No two lives brought into this close relation can blend into one without self-discipline. "Marriage is the beautiful unfolding of many years.
"Ofttimes it takes a long while for a wedded pair to learn the lesson of living happily together. They are discouraged because such love as theirs does not yield perfect happiness from the very first day. It always costs to learn the lesson. The block of marble must wane, as the statue is sculptured and grows. There must be the cutting away of much in both lives; there must be restraint, self-denial, self-effacement, while they are being trained to live one life rather than two. Love is always discipline.
Paul lays down the basis for happy wedded life in the words---"Wives, be in subjection to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them" (Colossians 3:18-19). Perhaps these instructions are not always well understood. Sometimes one of the counsels, and sometimes the other, is unduly emphasized. Some men insist upon the first---"Wives, be in subjection to your husbands." They interpret the words somewhat harshly, as if a wife were to be only as a child to her husband, or even as a servant, whose duty is to minister to his desires, to please him, to run at his every call and command. This is in accordance with heathen notions of the marriage relation, but it is not after Christian teaching.
It is to be particularly noted that Paul nowhere says---"Wives, obey your husbands." In our Common Version the word "obedient" occurs in one place; but in the Revised Version the counsel is that wives should be "in subjection to" their husbands. Indeed, however, the spirit of love is always that of subjection, of yielding, or serving, in all life's relations.
In another place, where Paul gives like instruction, his words are---"Wives be in subjection unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is head of the Church" (Ephesians 5:22-23). No doubt the husband is the head of the household; but what a responsibility this teaching puts upon him! His wife is to be in subjection to him, "as unto the Lord." He is to be to her what Christ is to the Church.
If a man will insist on his wife fulfilling her part, he must also insist on honestly fulfilling his own part,---all the sacred duties which are his as a HUSBAND. What, then, is the husband's share in this happy home making? "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself up for it" (Ephesians 5:25). A husband is to love his wife. Is love despotic? Does love put its object in a servant's place? No; love serves. It seeks not its own. It desires "not to be served, but to serve." It does not demand attention, deference, service, subjection. It seeks rather to serve, to give, to honor.
The measure of the love required by the husband is to be well noted---"Even as Christ also loved the Church." This is a lofty standard. How did Christ show His love for His Church? Think of His gentleness to His friends, His patience with them in all their faultiness, His thoughtfulness, His unwearying kindness. Never did a harsh word fall from His lips upon their ears. Never did He do anything to give them pain. It was not easy for Him at all times to maintain such constancy and such composure and quietness of love toward them; for they were very faulty, and tried Him in a thousand ways. But His affection never wearied nor failed for an instant. Husbands are to love their wives even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself up for it. He loved even to the cost of utmost self-sacrifice.
There are men, however, who would do this, whose love would sacrifice even life itself for a wife, but who fail in daily and hourly tenderness, when there is no demand for great self-denial. Hence the other counsel must be remembered---"Love your wives, and be not bitter against them." More wives might complain of the lack of love in the little tendernesses than in great acts and manifestations.
A true woman's heart craves gentleness. It is hurt by bitter words, by coldness, by impatience, by harsh criticisms, by neglect, by the withholding of the expressions of affection. Love craves its daily bread of tenderness. No husband should deny his wife the little things of affection, the amenities of love, along the busy, trying days, and then think to make amends by putting a flower in her cold hand when she lies in the coffin. Will not conscience then whisper love's reproach?
"You placed this flower in her hand, you say,
This pure, pale rose in her hand of clay?
Methinks, could she lift her sealed eyes,
They would meet your own with a grieved surprise.
When did you give her a flower before?
Ah, well, what matter, when all is o'er?
But I pray you think
That love will starve, if it is not fed
That true hearts pray for their daily bread."
No true wife will ever quarrel with the divine law that makes the husband the head of the household, if she has a husband who loves her up to the measure of the divine requirements for husbands---"Even as Christ also loved the Church." Such love never demands obedience, never demands anything; it seeks not to be served, but to serve.
On the other hand, true love in a wife also lives to serve. Love always serves, or it is not love at all. The greatest in Christ's kingdom are those who serve the most unselfishly. Husband and wife vie with each other in loving and serving. They mutually bear each other's burdens. The husband is the head, but he never says so; never reminds his wife of it; never claims authority; and defers to her in everything.
The wife recognizes her husband as head, honors him, looks up to him with esteem and confidence---all the more because he never demands subjection. Thus true love in husband and wife never has any trouble about rights or place. Side by side they stand, these two wedded lovers, each a part of the other, each incomplete, a mere fragment without the other, but strong in their happy union in love.
But there are other elements in the composition of the home. Among the blessings which make happiness are the CHILDREN, who come with their sweet life and their holy gladness. Children bring cares and troubles, and demand toil and sacrifice, ofttimes cost pain and grief; yet the blessing they bring to a true home a thousand times repays the care and the cost. It is a sacred hour in a home when a baby is born and laid in the arms of a young father and mother. It is the final seal upon their wedded love. It is the closing benediction of the marriage ceremony. It draws fragments of heaven trailing after it to the home on earth. Few deeper, purer joys are ever experienced in this world than the joy of true parents on the birth of their first child. Much of home's happiness along the years is made by the children. They are also great blessings to their parents. Ofttimes they teach more lessons than they are taught. We say we train our children; but they train us, also, if we think of them as we should,as immortal beings come from God to be prepared by us for their mission. A reverent mother sings softly over her child's cradle--
"My child, I fear you; you are a spirit, soul!
How shall I walk before you?
and keep my garments whole?
O Lord, give strength,
give wisdom for the task.
To train this child for You."
Jesus said of little children, that those who receive them in His name receive Him. May we not, then, surely say that children bring great possibility of blessing and happiness to a home? If we receive them as Christ's messengers, as sent to us in His name, and entertain them as we would entertain Him if He had come in place of them, we shall get from them deep and rich good and joy.
A true mother is one of the holiest secrets of home happiness. God sends many beautiful things to this world, many noble gifts; but no blessing is richer than that which He bestows in a mother who has learned love's lessons well, and has realized something of the meaning of her sacred calling.
A FATHER also should be a blessing to a home. The modern tendency to put upon the wife and mother all the responsibility for the making of the home and its happiness is not sanctioned by Christian teachings. The divine commands for the building of the home and the training of the children are given primarily to the man, although meant for both husband and wife. He cannot evade the responsibility; his position as the head of the family puts upon him the obligation. Besides, it is not manly that a man should want to put the whole burden on her whom he calls "the weaker vessel." If his wife is weak and he is so strong, let him remember that it is the privilege and the duty of strength to bear the heavy part of life's burdens.
There are parts of the home duty which a woman can do infinitely better than a man. Men's hands are clumsy, and often hurt gentle hearts, when it was meant that they should give healing and help. The man has the heavy care of providing for the household. There are tasks, too, for which woman's gentler hands are better fitted. But let no husband nurse the notion that he has no responsibility for the happiness of his home beyond providing food and clothing and other comforts. His strong life should be the secure shelter beneath which his wife and children may safely abide. His character should be a continual revealing of the love and truth and holiness of God. He should live so that, seeing him day after day, his family shall learn to know the beauty of Christ. He is the priest of his house, and as such should both speak to God for his family and speak to them for God. Through him blessings should come to his home every day.
BROTHERS and SISTERS have their part in making the home happiness. Yet not always do they live together so as to make the music of the home one glad, sweet song. Sometimes there is a lack of congeniality in their dispositions. Then ofttimes there seems to be the feeling that home affections do not need the culture that other friendships require. We cannot be brusque, curt, or crude with other people, and expect them to bear patiently with us in spite of our unmannerly behavior. But we are sure of our 'home friends',---so we let ourselves feel,---and do not need to be gentle and thoughtful towards them. So it is that in too many homes brothers and sisters live together year after year under the same roof, mingling in the household communion, yet never forming close friendships, soul never knitting to soul, strangers to each other's inner life. Thus many rich possibilities of close and holiest friendships are missed.
Another thing that too often mars the home life of brothers and sisters is a spirit of 'commanding' and criticism. Faults are seen, and openly, and not in a gentle way, pointed out and reproved. What one does the others are apt to do; and thus the habit grows, until little but 'sharp speech' and 'inappropriate wrangling' is heard in the home where the conversation might have so much in it of sweetness and profit.
These are suggestions of ways in which, in too many homes, one of the secrets of happiness is lost. It is possible for brothers and sisters to live together in a home so as to add greatly to the happiness and the richness of the household life, and to be comforts and helps to each other. It is said that the poet sisters, Alice and Phoebe Cary, had a secret of happy living together which it were well if all brothers and sisters could learn. "Whatever one felt or endured, because of it she would not inflict any suffering upon her sister! no, not even if that sister had inadvertently been the cause of it. If one sister was out of sorts, she went into her own room, shut her door, and had it out by herself."
These are good rules to be adopted in other homes. If we are feeling uncomfortable from any cause, we have no right, according to the law of love, to diffuse our irritations through the household. If we are in any unhappy mood, in which we cannot suppress the ill-humor, we have no right to vent it in the circle of our loved ones, and would far better go to our own room, or out into the fresh air, alone, somewhere, and stay until we have gotten back our sweet spirit again, so that we can scatter roses, not thorns, among our loved ones.
The possibilities of happiness and blessing among brothers and sisters can be realized only by cultivating the love that seeks not its own, that is not provoked, that bears all things, endures all things, and never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). Love's first lesson is that of giving up one's own way, denying one's self, suffering in silence. Where this lesson has been learned, or is being learned, in a household of young people, each thinks of giving to the others, not of taking from them. Each cultivates gentleness and kindness. The speech of the home grows quiet and tender, is never loud nor angry. The Golden Rule is the law of each life. There is love, and love that reveals itself in a thousand little ways of courtesy and thoughtfulness---nameless things, but things that make up a home happiness on which heaven's angels look down with delight.
Not very long can any family life go on unbroken. Death will visit every home. While we may, we should live together sweetly, patiently, loving and serving each other in all beautiful and Christly ways.
The daily home-life of the household carries in it many possibilities of happiness which are not always realized in families. Some SUGGESTIONS may be made.
1. One is that love must prevail in all the family life. Let parents keep the confidence and affection of their children as long as they live. One of the ways to make sure of this is never to tire of the little marks and tokens of love which children naturally give. The time never comes when it is unmanly for a man to kiss his mother. In the ideal home every child has a good-night kiss for the parents before parting for bed. Let the children do their part, too, in showing affection. There are homes, chill and cold, which could be warmed into love's richest glow in a little time, if all the household hearts were to grow affectionate to each other.
2. Another suggestion is, that all family strife and contention should cease. Why should parents discourage their children by continually nagging and finding fault with them? Why should children dishonor their parents by disobedience, by crude and unfilial treatment, by lack of respect, by refusing to yield to the order of the home? Why should brothers fail in the duties of civility and courtesy to their sisters? Why should sisters show no loving interest in their brothers, and fail to overshadow them as with angel-wings? Why should brothers wrangle and quarrel, separate their interests, and not stand together? Why should sisters have their miserable little disputes, their envies, jealousies and resentments? Let there be peace in all the home-life.
3. Another suggestion is, that we should not grow discouraged, even if our homes are not yet what we crave. There are some who feel that the battle is hopeless; that they can never grow into beautiful life and character in their present circumstances. That is a mistake. It is possible to grow into all the beauty of peace wherever we may be placed. A lily finds its home in a black bog, but blooms into perfect loveliness.
Suppose that your home-life is discouraging, even to the last degree; yet you may live sweetly in the midst of it, through the grace and help of God. And who knows but that your sweet life may become the power of God to change the home-life into heavenliness? Perhaps God has put you as leaven there, to leaven the whole lump.
I have known a girl go out of a godless, worldly home to college, to find Christ and return home a beautiful earnest Christian. Then I have seen that home transformed in a few years, by that daughter's quiet influence, into an ideal Christian home.
At least, though our home be not what we would like it to be, though it lack warmth and tenderness and congeniality, still, while it is our home, it is our duty to stay in it contentedly, and grow in it into beauty. We know that Jesus lived until thirty years of age in a humble peasant home, with but little culture and education, amid the privations of poverty and hard toil. Yet He was not discontented there. He did not complain of the narrowness and the littleness. He did not chafe under the limitations and the burdens. There His life grew into that marvelous sweetness, that wondrous beauty, that richness and greatness, which we see in Him, when, at thirty years of age, He went out to begin His ministry. Wherever we are planted, we, too, can grow into strength, nobleness and loveliness.
4. Patience is another lesson in learning to live happily together at home. The children of a family have not all the same tastes. It is very easy to fall into the habit of criticizing each other. We know how nearly Martha spoiled her home happiness, and her sister's also, by criticism. Criticism never fosters affection; you never loved any one better for criticizing you. Usually the best service we can do to a brother or sister is to live a sweet, patient, beautiful, Christly life ourselves, leaving to God the fashioning of their lives. If they are true Christians, He is teaching them and putting His own image on their souls. We might mar this divine work by our criticism.
Suppose you went into an artist's studio and saw a picture at which he had been working for months, yet unfinished; would you, not being an artist, take up his brush and begin to put touches here and there on the canvas? Each life of husband or wife, child, brother or sister, in your home is a picture which God is painting, and which is yet unfinished. Beware that you mar not His work! So let us be patient with one another at home. We all have our faults, we all make mistakes---but we can help each other more by loving patience, than by scathing criticism.
5. True Religion is the great master-secret of all happy home life! The spirit of Christ alone will enable us to live together in perfect peace and love. The presence of Christ in the home is a perpetual blessing. We cannot be selfish, we cannot wrangle and strive, we cannot be bitter and unkind, we cannot be irritable and unreasonable, when conscious of the presence of Christ. If only we can make Christ an abiding guest in our home, and if we can keep ourselves aware of His being with us, our household life cannot help but grow wondrously sweet!
Into every home, at some time, SORROW comes. Then it is that the blessing of religion is specially revealed. We do not see the stars until the sun goes down. The comforts of Christian faith do not reveal themselves to us in their richest light and peace until the darkness of sorrow rests upon our home. But there is light in the darkness when Christ is the guest. Indeed, it is true that when Christ is in a home, even sorrow itself becomes one of the secrets of happiness. Our Lord's beatitude says---"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4).
Homes that have never known grief may be very happy in love, and very bright with sweet gladness; but after sorrow has been a guest within their doors, and has left its messages and blessings, there is a depth of quiet joy never experienced before. The family fellowship is sweeter after there has been a break in the circle. The love is tenderer when tears have come into its gladness. A vacant chair is a new and sacred bond in the household life.
But it is only when Christ is in the home that sorrow sweetens the life. There can be no rainbow without cloud and rain; but neither can there be a rainbow, even with cloud and rain, unless the sun is shining through the falling drops. The rarest splendors of happiness can be known only when sorrow's clouds have overshadowed the home and the rain of tears is falling; but unless the light of divine love is pouring through the tears there can be no splendor of peace and comfort; nothing but darkness and cloud.
Few things we can do in this world are so well worth doing as the making of a beautiful and happy home. He who does this builds a sanctuary for God and opens a fountain of blessing for men. Far more than we know, do the strength and beauty of our lives depend upon the home in which we dwell. He who goes forth in the morning from a happy, loving, prayerful home, into the world's strife, temptation, struggle, and duty, is strong---inspired for noble and victorious living. The children who are brought up in a true home go out trained and equipped for life's battles and tasks, carrying in their hearts a secret of strength which will make them brave and loyal to God, and will keep them pure in the world's severest temptations.
We may all do loving service, therefore, by helping to make one of the world's homes,---the one in which we dwell---brighter and happier. No matter how plain it may be, or how old-fashioned, if love is in it, if prayer connects it with heaven, if Christ's blessing is upon it, it will be a transfigured spot! Poverty is no severe trial if the home is full of bright cheer. The hardest toil is light if love sings its songs amid the clatter.
"Dear Moss," said the thatched roof on an old ruin, "I am so worn, so patched, so ragged, really I am quite unsightly. I wish you would come and cheer me up a little. You will hide all my infirmities and defects; and, through your loving sympathy, no finger of contempt or dislike will be pointed at me." "I come," said the moss; and it crept up and around, and in and out, until every flaw was hidden, and all was smooth and fair. Presently the sun shone out, and the old thatched roof looked bright and fair, a picture of rare beauty, in the golden rays. "How beautiful the roof looks!" cried one who saw it. "How beautiful the thatched roof looks!" said another. "Ah," said the old thatched roof, "rather let them say, 'How beautiful is the loving moss!' For it spends itself in covering up all my faults, keeping the knowledge of them all to herself, and by her own grace, making my age and poverty wear the garb of youth and luxuriance."
So it is that love covers the plainness and the coarseness of the lowliest home. It hides its dreariness and its faults. It softens its roughness. It changes its pain into profit, and its loss into gain.
Let us live more for our homes. Let us love one another more. Let us cease to complain, criticize and contradict each other. Let us be more patient with each other's faults. Let us not keep back the warm loving words that lie in our hearts until it is too late for them to give comfort. Soon separations will come. One of every wedded pair will stand by the other's coffin and grave. Then every bitter word spoken, and every neglect of love's duty, will be as a thorn in the heart.
Thomas Carlyle, that gifted author, when he passed the spot where he had last seen his wife alive, would bare his old head in wind or rain, his features wrung with bitter, unavailing sorrow. "Oh", he would say, "if I could see her but for five minutes, to assure her that I really cared for her throughout all that time! But she never knew it---she never knew it!"
We must give account for our idle silences as well as for our idle words.
"Happy the home when God is there,
And love fills every breast;
When one their wish, and one their prayer,
And one their heavenly rest.
Happy the home where Jesus' Name
Is sweet to every ear;
Where children early lisp His fame,
And parents hold Him dear.
Happy the home where prayer is heard,
And praise is used to rise;
Where parents love the sacred Word
That makes us truly wise.
Lord, let us in our homes agree,
This blessed peace to gain;
Until our hearts in love to Thee,
And love to all will reign."
Henry Ware
We are all concerned in the making of some one home---our own home. One instrument out of tune in an orchestra mars the music which breaks upon the ears of the listeners. One discordant life in a household mars the perfectness of the music of love in the family. We should make sure that our life is not the one that is out of tune. We do not need to worry about the other lives; if each looks to his own, that will do.
When our Lord sent His disciples out to preach, one of His instructions was "Into whatever house you enter, first say, Peace be to this house." Peace is a good word. It is more than a salutation; falling from the Master's lips, it is a divine benediction as well. Peace, too, is a fruit of grace, which includes all that is sweetest and most divine in Christian culture. It is especially suggestive of the harmony of love, which is the perfection of beautiful living. Christ's peace is a blessing, which comes out of struggle and discipline. Well, therefore, does the salutation "Peace!" befit a Christian home, which ought to be the abode of peace.
What are some of the secrets of happy home life? The answer might be given in one word---Christ. Christ at the marriage-altar; Christ on the bridal journey; Christ when the new home is set up; Christ when the baby is born; Christ when a child dies; Christ in the pinching times; Christ in the days of plenty; Christ in the nursery, in the kitchen, in the parlor; Christ in the toil and in the rest; Christ along all the years; Christ when the wedded pair walk toward the sunset gates; Christ in the sad hour when farewells are spoken, and one goes on before and the other stays, bearing the unshared grief. Christ is the secret of happy home life.
What are some of the secrets of happy home life? The answer might be given in one word---Christ. Christ at the marriage-altar; Christ on the bridal journey; Christ when the new home is set up; Christ when the baby is born; Christ when a child dies; Christ in the pinching times; Christ in the days of plenty; Christ in the nursery, in the kitchen, in the parlor; Christ in the toil and in the rest; Christ along all the years; Christ when the wedded pair walk toward the sunset gates; Christ in the sad hour when farewells are spoken, and one goes on before and the other stays, bearing the unshared grief. Christ is the secret of happy home life.
There must be a wise choosing before marriage, or it may be impossible to make a happy home. At few points in life is divine guidance more severely needed than when the question of marriage is decided. A mistake then will cast its shadows down all the years to the close of life. Many a career is blighted by a foolish marriage. Wedded happiness depends greatly on reverent, prayerful, deliberate, wise choosing before marriage.
But now the choices have been made---carefully made---we will say. The happy day has come. The plighted lovers stand at the marriage-altar. Taking the woman's hand, the man says to her---"I take you to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge you my fidelity." Taking the hand of the man, the woman says to him, with slight verbal variations, the same words. The two are pronounced husband and wife, and go forth to begin their wedded life together, no more twain, but now one.
The happy pair are in their own home. It may be a fine, great house, with rich furniture, costly pictures, and all the elegance of wealth; or it may be a little house, with four rooms, cheap furniture, homemade carpets, and empty of adornment. It makes very little difference what the size of the house, or what its furniture may be. The happiness of the home does not depend on the house or on what it contains; the people who live in the house MAKE the happiness,---or MAR it.
The HUSBAND has his part. He must be a good man. Not every man who marries thinks of the responsibility he assumes when he takes a young girl away from the shelter of father-love and mother-love---the softest, warmest nest in the world, and leads her into a new home, where henceforth his love is to be her only shelter. Well may the woman say as she goes to the marriage altar---
"Before I trust my fate to you,
Or place my hand in thine;
Before I let your future give
Color and form to mine;
Before I peril all to thee,
Question your soul tonight for me.
Does there within your dimmest dreams
A possible future shine
Wherein your life could henceforth breathe
Untouched, unshared by mine?
If so, at any pain or cost,
Oh, tell me before all is lost."
No man is fit to be a husband who is not a good man. He need not be great, nor rich, nor brilliant, nor clever, but he must be good, or he is not worthy to take a gentle, trusting woman's tender life into his keeping. Of course he must love his wife; without love there is no real marriage, and ceremony and ring and vows and prayer are only empty formalities. He must love his wife and be always her lover. The world has read and heard quite enough moralizing about a wife's duty to be always winning and attractive, retaining the charm of girlhood amid all cares, toils, and sorrows. Of course; but is a husband under less obligation to love his wife and always to be lover-like? This is a good rule, which should work both ways.
But affectionateness, however desirable, is not all that is needed in a husband who would do his full share in happy home making. Life is not all sentiment. We cannot live on ambrosia. Happiness must have a very practical basis. A good husband must be a man. He must be a good man---manly, true, worthy, brave, generous, a man whom a noble woman can respect and honor all the days of her life. He must be a sober man; no man who comes home under the influence of intoxicating drink, even occasionally only, is going to do quite his share in making happiness for the woman who has trusted her all to him. He must be a man of pure, unblemished life, whose character is above suspicion, whose name will always be an honor and a pride in his own home. The husband has a great deal to do with the question of home happiness.
The WIFE, too, has a responsibility. The prosaic arts of housekeeping are far more important factors of home happiness than many people without experience imagine. John Ruskin talks to young women of the etymology of the name 'wife'---"What do you think the beautiful word 'wife' comes from?" he asks. "It means 'weaver.' You must either be house-wives or house-moths; remember that. In the deep sense, you must weave men's fortunes, and embroider them, or feed upon them, and bring them to decay. Wherever a true wife comes, home is always around her. The stars may be the canopy over her head, the glow-worm in the night's cold grass be the fire at her feet, but home is where she is; and for a noble woman it stretches far around her,---better than houses with ceilings of cedar, or with paintings of the masters, shedding its quiet light for those who else were homeless.
"Home is the true wife's kingdom. There, first of all places, she must be strong and beautiful. She may touch life outside in many ways, if she can do it without slighting the duties that are hers within her own doors. But if any calls for her service must be declined, they should not be the duties of her home. These are hers, and no other one's. Very largely does the wife hold in her hands, as a sacred trust, the happiness and the highest good of the hearts that nestle there. The best husband---the truest, the noblest, the gentlest, the richest-hearted---cannot make his home happy if his wife be not, in every reasonable sense, a helpmate to him.
In the last analysis, home happiness depends on the wife. Her spirit gives the home its atmosphere. Her hands fashion its beauty. Her heart makes its love. And the end is so worthy, so noble, so divine, that no woman who has been called to be a wife, and has listened to the call, should consider any price too great to pay, to be the light, the joy, the blessing, the inspiration of a home.
Men with fine gifts think it worth while to live to paint a few great pictures which shall be looked at and admired for generations; or to write a few songs which shall sing themselves into the ears and hearts of men. But the woman who makes a sweet, beautiful home, filling it with love and prayer and purity, is doing something better than anything else her hands could find to do beneath the skies.
Some marriages are unhappy. How can husband and wife live happily in their wedded life? Wedded happiness is a lesson that must be learned. No two lives brought into this close relation can blend into one without self-discipline. "Marriage is the beautiful unfolding of many years.
"Ofttimes it takes a long while for a wedded pair to learn the lesson of living happily together. They are discouraged because such love as theirs does not yield perfect happiness from the very first day. It always costs to learn the lesson. The block of marble must wane, as the statue is sculptured and grows. There must be the cutting away of much in both lives; there must be restraint, self-denial, self-effacement, while they are being trained to live one life rather than two. Love is always discipline.
Paul lays down the basis for happy wedded life in the words---"Wives, be in subjection to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them" (Colossians 3:18-19). Perhaps these instructions are not always well understood. Sometimes one of the counsels, and sometimes the other, is unduly emphasized. Some men insist upon the first---"Wives, be in subjection to your husbands." They interpret the words somewhat harshly, as if a wife were to be only as a child to her husband, or even as a servant, whose duty is to minister to his desires, to please him, to run at his every call and command. This is in accordance with heathen notions of the marriage relation, but it is not after Christian teaching.
It is to be particularly noted that Paul nowhere says---"Wives, obey your husbands." In our Common Version the word "obedient" occurs in one place; but in the Revised Version the counsel is that wives should be "in subjection to" their husbands. Indeed, however, the spirit of love is always that of subjection, of yielding, or serving, in all life's relations.
In another place, where Paul gives like instruction, his words are---"Wives be in subjection unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is head of the Church" (Ephesians 5:22-23). No doubt the husband is the head of the household; but what a responsibility this teaching puts upon him! His wife is to be in subjection to him, "as unto the Lord." He is to be to her what Christ is to the Church.
If a man will insist on his wife fulfilling her part, he must also insist on honestly fulfilling his own part,---all the sacred duties which are his as a HUSBAND. What, then, is the husband's share in this happy home making? "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself up for it" (Ephesians 5:25). A husband is to love his wife. Is love despotic? Does love put its object in a servant's place? No; love serves. It seeks not its own. It desires "not to be served, but to serve." It does not demand attention, deference, service, subjection. It seeks rather to serve, to give, to honor.
The measure of the love required by the husband is to be well noted---"Even as Christ also loved the Church." This is a lofty standard. How did Christ show His love for His Church? Think of His gentleness to His friends, His patience with them in all their faultiness, His thoughtfulness, His unwearying kindness. Never did a harsh word fall from His lips upon their ears. Never did He do anything to give them pain. It was not easy for Him at all times to maintain such constancy and such composure and quietness of love toward them; for they were very faulty, and tried Him in a thousand ways. But His affection never wearied nor failed for an instant. Husbands are to love their wives even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself up for it. He loved even to the cost of utmost self-sacrifice.
There are men, however, who would do this, whose love would sacrifice even life itself for a wife, but who fail in daily and hourly tenderness, when there is no demand for great self-denial. Hence the other counsel must be remembered---"Love your wives, and be not bitter against them." More wives might complain of the lack of love in the little tendernesses than in great acts and manifestations.
A true woman's heart craves gentleness. It is hurt by bitter words, by coldness, by impatience, by harsh criticisms, by neglect, by the withholding of the expressions of affection. Love craves its daily bread of tenderness. No husband should deny his wife the little things of affection, the amenities of love, along the busy, trying days, and then think to make amends by putting a flower in her cold hand when she lies in the coffin. Will not conscience then whisper love's reproach?
"You placed this flower in her hand, you say,
This pure, pale rose in her hand of clay?
Methinks, could she lift her sealed eyes,
They would meet your own with a grieved surprise.
When did you give her a flower before?
Ah, well, what matter, when all is o'er?
But I pray you think
That love will starve, if it is not fed
That true hearts pray for their daily bread."
No true wife will ever quarrel with the divine law that makes the husband the head of the household, if she has a husband who loves her up to the measure of the divine requirements for husbands---"Even as Christ also loved the Church." Such love never demands obedience, never demands anything; it seeks not to be served, but to serve.
On the other hand, true love in a wife also lives to serve. Love always serves, or it is not love at all. The greatest in Christ's kingdom are those who serve the most unselfishly. Husband and wife vie with each other in loving and serving. They mutually bear each other's burdens. The husband is the head, but he never says so; never reminds his wife of it; never claims authority; and defers to her in everything.
The wife recognizes her husband as head, honors him, looks up to him with esteem and confidence---all the more because he never demands subjection. Thus true love in husband and wife never has any trouble about rights or place. Side by side they stand, these two wedded lovers, each a part of the other, each incomplete, a mere fragment without the other, but strong in their happy union in love.
But there are other elements in the composition of the home. Among the blessings which make happiness are the CHILDREN, who come with their sweet life and their holy gladness. Children bring cares and troubles, and demand toil and sacrifice, ofttimes cost pain and grief; yet the blessing they bring to a true home a thousand times repays the care and the cost. It is a sacred hour in a home when a baby is born and laid in the arms of a young father and mother. It is the final seal upon their wedded love. It is the closing benediction of the marriage ceremony. It draws fragments of heaven trailing after it to the home on earth. Few deeper, purer joys are ever experienced in this world than the joy of true parents on the birth of their first child. Much of home's happiness along the years is made by the children. They are also great blessings to their parents. Ofttimes they teach more lessons than they are taught. We say we train our children; but they train us, also, if we think of them as we should,as immortal beings come from God to be prepared by us for their mission. A reverent mother sings softly over her child's cradle--
"My child, I fear you; you are a spirit, soul!
How shall I walk before you?
and keep my garments whole?
O Lord, give strength,
give wisdom for the task.
To train this child for You."
Jesus said of little children, that those who receive them in His name receive Him. May we not, then, surely say that children bring great possibility of blessing and happiness to a home? If we receive them as Christ's messengers, as sent to us in His name, and entertain them as we would entertain Him if He had come in place of them, we shall get from them deep and rich good and joy.
A true mother is one of the holiest secrets of home happiness. God sends many beautiful things to this world, many noble gifts; but no blessing is richer than that which He bestows in a mother who has learned love's lessons well, and has realized something of the meaning of her sacred calling.
A FATHER also should be a blessing to a home. The modern tendency to put upon the wife and mother all the responsibility for the making of the home and its happiness is not sanctioned by Christian teachings. The divine commands for the building of the home and the training of the children are given primarily to the man, although meant for both husband and wife. He cannot evade the responsibility; his position as the head of the family puts upon him the obligation. Besides, it is not manly that a man should want to put the whole burden on her whom he calls "the weaker vessel." If his wife is weak and he is so strong, let him remember that it is the privilege and the duty of strength to bear the heavy part of life's burdens.
There are parts of the home duty which a woman can do infinitely better than a man. Men's hands are clumsy, and often hurt gentle hearts, when it was meant that they should give healing and help. The man has the heavy care of providing for the household. There are tasks, too, for which woman's gentler hands are better fitted. But let no husband nurse the notion that he has no responsibility for the happiness of his home beyond providing food and clothing and other comforts. His strong life should be the secure shelter beneath which his wife and children may safely abide. His character should be a continual revealing of the love and truth and holiness of God. He should live so that, seeing him day after day, his family shall learn to know the beauty of Christ. He is the priest of his house, and as such should both speak to God for his family and speak to them for God. Through him blessings should come to his home every day.
BROTHERS and SISTERS have their part in making the home happiness. Yet not always do they live together so as to make the music of the home one glad, sweet song. Sometimes there is a lack of congeniality in their dispositions. Then ofttimes there seems to be the feeling that home affections do not need the culture that other friendships require. We cannot be brusque, curt, or crude with other people, and expect them to bear patiently with us in spite of our unmannerly behavior. But we are sure of our 'home friends',---so we let ourselves feel,---and do not need to be gentle and thoughtful towards them. So it is that in too many homes brothers and sisters live together year after year under the same roof, mingling in the household communion, yet never forming close friendships, soul never knitting to soul, strangers to each other's inner life. Thus many rich possibilities of close and holiest friendships are missed.
Another thing that too often mars the home life of brothers and sisters is a spirit of 'commanding' and criticism. Faults are seen, and openly, and not in a gentle way, pointed out and reproved. What one does the others are apt to do; and thus the habit grows, until little but 'sharp speech' and 'inappropriate wrangling' is heard in the home where the conversation might have so much in it of sweetness and profit.
These are suggestions of ways in which, in too many homes, one of the secrets of happiness is lost. It is possible for brothers and sisters to live together in a home so as to add greatly to the happiness and the richness of the household life, and to be comforts and helps to each other. It is said that the poet sisters, Alice and Phoebe Cary, had a secret of happy living together which it were well if all brothers and sisters could learn. "Whatever one felt or endured, because of it she would not inflict any suffering upon her sister! no, not even if that sister had inadvertently been the cause of it. If one sister was out of sorts, she went into her own room, shut her door, and had it out by herself."
These are good rules to be adopted in other homes. If we are feeling uncomfortable from any cause, we have no right, according to the law of love, to diffuse our irritations through the household. If we are in any unhappy mood, in which we cannot suppress the ill-humor, we have no right to vent it in the circle of our loved ones, and would far better go to our own room, or out into the fresh air, alone, somewhere, and stay until we have gotten back our sweet spirit again, so that we can scatter roses, not thorns, among our loved ones.
The possibilities of happiness and blessing among brothers and sisters can be realized only by cultivating the love that seeks not its own, that is not provoked, that bears all things, endures all things, and never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). Love's first lesson is that of giving up one's own way, denying one's self, suffering in silence. Where this lesson has been learned, or is being learned, in a household of young people, each thinks of giving to the others, not of taking from them. Each cultivates gentleness and kindness. The speech of the home grows quiet and tender, is never loud nor angry. The Golden Rule is the law of each life. There is love, and love that reveals itself in a thousand little ways of courtesy and thoughtfulness---nameless things, but things that make up a home happiness on which heaven's angels look down with delight.
Not very long can any family life go on unbroken. Death will visit every home. While we may, we should live together sweetly, patiently, loving and serving each other in all beautiful and Christly ways.
The daily home-life of the household carries in it many possibilities of happiness which are not always realized in families. Some SUGGESTIONS may be made.
1. One is that love must prevail in all the family life. Let parents keep the confidence and affection of their children as long as they live. One of the ways to make sure of this is never to tire of the little marks and tokens of love which children naturally give. The time never comes when it is unmanly for a man to kiss his mother. In the ideal home every child has a good-night kiss for the parents before parting for bed. Let the children do their part, too, in showing affection. There are homes, chill and cold, which could be warmed into love's richest glow in a little time, if all the household hearts were to grow affectionate to each other.
2. Another suggestion is, that all family strife and contention should cease. Why should parents discourage their children by continually nagging and finding fault with them? Why should children dishonor their parents by disobedience, by crude and unfilial treatment, by lack of respect, by refusing to yield to the order of the home? Why should brothers fail in the duties of civility and courtesy to their sisters? Why should sisters show no loving interest in their brothers, and fail to overshadow them as with angel-wings? Why should brothers wrangle and quarrel, separate their interests, and not stand together? Why should sisters have their miserable little disputes, their envies, jealousies and resentments? Let there be peace in all the home-life.
3. Another suggestion is, that we should not grow discouraged, even if our homes are not yet what we crave. There are some who feel that the battle is hopeless; that they can never grow into beautiful life and character in their present circumstances. That is a mistake. It is possible to grow into all the beauty of peace wherever we may be placed. A lily finds its home in a black bog, but blooms into perfect loveliness.
Suppose that your home-life is discouraging, even to the last degree; yet you may live sweetly in the midst of it, through the grace and help of God. And who knows but that your sweet life may become the power of God to change the home-life into heavenliness? Perhaps God has put you as leaven there, to leaven the whole lump.
I have known a girl go out of a godless, worldly home to college, to find Christ and return home a beautiful earnest Christian. Then I have seen that home transformed in a few years, by that daughter's quiet influence, into an ideal Christian home.
At least, though our home be not what we would like it to be, though it lack warmth and tenderness and congeniality, still, while it is our home, it is our duty to stay in it contentedly, and grow in it into beauty. We know that Jesus lived until thirty years of age in a humble peasant home, with but little culture and education, amid the privations of poverty and hard toil. Yet He was not discontented there. He did not complain of the narrowness and the littleness. He did not chafe under the limitations and the burdens. There His life grew into that marvelous sweetness, that wondrous beauty, that richness and greatness, which we see in Him, when, at thirty years of age, He went out to begin His ministry. Wherever we are planted, we, too, can grow into strength, nobleness and loveliness.
4. Patience is another lesson in learning to live happily together at home. The children of a family have not all the same tastes. It is very easy to fall into the habit of criticizing each other. We know how nearly Martha spoiled her home happiness, and her sister's also, by criticism. Criticism never fosters affection; you never loved any one better for criticizing you. Usually the best service we can do to a brother or sister is to live a sweet, patient, beautiful, Christly life ourselves, leaving to God the fashioning of their lives. If they are true Christians, He is teaching them and putting His own image on their souls. We might mar this divine work by our criticism.
Suppose you went into an artist's studio and saw a picture at which he had been working for months, yet unfinished; would you, not being an artist, take up his brush and begin to put touches here and there on the canvas? Each life of husband or wife, child, brother or sister, in your home is a picture which God is painting, and which is yet unfinished. Beware that you mar not His work! So let us be patient with one another at home. We all have our faults, we all make mistakes---but we can help each other more by loving patience, than by scathing criticism.
5. True Religion is the great master-secret of all happy home life! The spirit of Christ alone will enable us to live together in perfect peace and love. The presence of Christ in the home is a perpetual blessing. We cannot be selfish, we cannot wrangle and strive, we cannot be bitter and unkind, we cannot be irritable and unreasonable, when conscious of the presence of Christ. If only we can make Christ an abiding guest in our home, and if we can keep ourselves aware of His being with us, our household life cannot help but grow wondrously sweet!
Into every home, at some time, SORROW comes. Then it is that the blessing of religion is specially revealed. We do not see the stars until the sun goes down. The comforts of Christian faith do not reveal themselves to us in their richest light and peace until the darkness of sorrow rests upon our home. But there is light in the darkness when Christ is the guest. Indeed, it is true that when Christ is in a home, even sorrow itself becomes one of the secrets of happiness. Our Lord's beatitude says---"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4).
Homes that have never known grief may be very happy in love, and very bright with sweet gladness; but after sorrow has been a guest within their doors, and has left its messages and blessings, there is a depth of quiet joy never experienced before. The family fellowship is sweeter after there has been a break in the circle. The love is tenderer when tears have come into its gladness. A vacant chair is a new and sacred bond in the household life.
But it is only when Christ is in the home that sorrow sweetens the life. There can be no rainbow without cloud and rain; but neither can there be a rainbow, even with cloud and rain, unless the sun is shining through the falling drops. The rarest splendors of happiness can be known only when sorrow's clouds have overshadowed the home and the rain of tears is falling; but unless the light of divine love is pouring through the tears there can be no splendor of peace and comfort; nothing but darkness and cloud.
Few things we can do in this world are so well worth doing as the making of a beautiful and happy home. He who does this builds a sanctuary for God and opens a fountain of blessing for men. Far more than we know, do the strength and beauty of our lives depend upon the home in which we dwell. He who goes forth in the morning from a happy, loving, prayerful home, into the world's strife, temptation, struggle, and duty, is strong---inspired for noble and victorious living. The children who are brought up in a true home go out trained and equipped for life's battles and tasks, carrying in their hearts a secret of strength which will make them brave and loyal to God, and will keep them pure in the world's severest temptations.
We may all do loving service, therefore, by helping to make one of the world's homes,---the one in which we dwell---brighter and happier. No matter how plain it may be, or how old-fashioned, if love is in it, if prayer connects it with heaven, if Christ's blessing is upon it, it will be a transfigured spot! Poverty is no severe trial if the home is full of bright cheer. The hardest toil is light if love sings its songs amid the clatter.
"Dear Moss," said the thatched roof on an old ruin, "I am so worn, so patched, so ragged, really I am quite unsightly. I wish you would come and cheer me up a little. You will hide all my infirmities and defects; and, through your loving sympathy, no finger of contempt or dislike will be pointed at me." "I come," said the moss; and it crept up and around, and in and out, until every flaw was hidden, and all was smooth and fair. Presently the sun shone out, and the old thatched roof looked bright and fair, a picture of rare beauty, in the golden rays. "How beautiful the roof looks!" cried one who saw it. "How beautiful the thatched roof looks!" said another. "Ah," said the old thatched roof, "rather let them say, 'How beautiful is the loving moss!' For it spends itself in covering up all my faults, keeping the knowledge of them all to herself, and by her own grace, making my age and poverty wear the garb of youth and luxuriance."
So it is that love covers the plainness and the coarseness of the lowliest home. It hides its dreariness and its faults. It softens its roughness. It changes its pain into profit, and its loss into gain.
Let us live more for our homes. Let us love one another more. Let us cease to complain, criticize and contradict each other. Let us be more patient with each other's faults. Let us not keep back the warm loving words that lie in our hearts until it is too late for them to give comfort. Soon separations will come. One of every wedded pair will stand by the other's coffin and grave. Then every bitter word spoken, and every neglect of love's duty, will be as a thorn in the heart.
Thomas Carlyle, that gifted author, when he passed the spot where he had last seen his wife alive, would bare his old head in wind or rain, his features wrung with bitter, unavailing sorrow. "Oh", he would say, "if I could see her but for five minutes, to assure her that I really cared for her throughout all that time! But she never knew it---she never knew it!"
We must give account for our idle silences as well as for our idle words.
"Happy the home when God is there,
And love fills every breast;
When one their wish, and one their prayer,
And one their heavenly rest.
Happy the home where Jesus' Name
Is sweet to every ear;
Where children early lisp His fame,
And parents hold Him dear.
Happy the home where prayer is heard,
And praise is used to rise;
Where parents love the sacred Word
That makes us truly wise.
Lord, let us in our homes agree,
This blessed peace to gain;
Until our hearts in love to Thee,
And love to all will reign."
Henry Ware
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