All Employees,
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
And I’m graduated as N.O.S.H.I.T (Number One Special High Intensity Training) graduation!!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A Little Boy's Explanation of God -- Fabulous!!!
Out of the mouths of the Babes
THIS IS FABULOUS!!!
It was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula Vista , CA . He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to 'explain God.' I wonder if any of us could have done as well?
[ ... And he had such an assignment, in California , and someone published it, I guess miracles do happen ! ... ]
EXPLANATION OF GOD:
'One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.'
'God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.'
'God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.'
'Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista . At least there aren't any who come to our church.'
'Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.'
'His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.'
'You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.'
'You should always go to church on Sabbath because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!
Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.'
'If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.'
'But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.
And...that's why I believe in God.'
(If you believe in God, please pass this on, and may God bless you too.)
Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you!
Out of the mouths of the Babes
THIS IS FABULOUS!!!
It was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula Vista , CA . He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to 'explain God.' I wonder if any of us could have done as well?
[ ... And he had such an assignment, in California , and someone published it, I guess miracles do happen ! ... ]
EXPLANATION OF GOD:
'One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.'
'God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.'
'God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.'
'Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista . At least there aren't any who come to our church.'
'Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.'
'His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.'
'You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.'
'You should always go to church on Sabbath because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!
Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.'
'If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.'
'But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.
And...that's why I believe in God.'
(If you believe in God, please pass this on, and may God bless you too.)
Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
What is confidence?? ??
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told thatthe flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to featurepilotless technology:
It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs isthen told, privately, that their company's software is running theaircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave theaircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.
Asked whyhe is so confident in this first unscrewed flight, he replies :"If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!
That is called Confidence!! !
Who Said That!
The teacher says, “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.
”Little Johnny says to himself, “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m clever—that answer’s mine!
”The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, “Abraham Lincoln,”The teacher said, “That’s right, Susie, you can go.”Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first.
The teacher asked, “Who said, ‘I Have a Dream?”Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, “Martin Luther King.”The teacher said, “That’s right, Mary, you can go.”Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.
The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you?”Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, “John Kennedy.”The teacher said, “Thats right, Nancy, you can go.”Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.
As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, “I wish these bitches had kept their mouths shut.”The shocked teacher asked, “Who said that?”Johnny jumped up and hollered, “Bill Clinton!!! See you Monday!”
”Little Johnny says to himself, “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m clever—that answer’s mine!
”The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, “Abraham Lincoln,”The teacher said, “That’s right, Susie, you can go.”Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first.
The teacher asked, “Who said, ‘I Have a Dream?”Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, “Martin Luther King.”The teacher said, “That’s right, Mary, you can go.”Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.
The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you?”Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, “John Kennedy.”The teacher said, “Thats right, Nancy, you can go.”Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.
As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, “I wish these bitches had kept their mouths shut.”The shocked teacher asked, “Who said that?”Johnny jumped up and hollered, “Bill Clinton!!! See you Monday!”
Damage Caused By The Oilspill
Picture of disaster caused by the Oil Spill…
IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANGRY...THEN NOTHING WILL!
Dammit this is going too far!!!
This shot shows the serious damage caused to the wildlife by the recent Oil blowout ...
I feel it is my duty right now to go down to the coast and help clean the wildlife with my own two hands. Where do I sign up?
IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANGRY...THEN NOTHING WILL!
Dammit this is going too far!!!
This shot shows the serious damage caused to the wildlife by the recent Oil blowout ...
I feel it is my duty right now to go down to the coast and help clean the wildlife with my own two hands. Where do I sign up?
Famous motivations & inspirations quote
The Presidential Team ~
John F. Kennedy: And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.
Abraham Lincoln: It has been said of the world's history hitherto that might makes right. It is for us and for our time to reverse the maxim, and to say that right makes might.
Ronald Reagan: Nations do not mistrust each other because they are armed; they are armed because they mistrust each other.
Mao Zedong: Politics is war carried out without bloodshed, while war is politics carried out with bloodshed.
John F. Kennedy: Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind.
Bill Clinton: As we have throughout this century, we will lead with the power of our example, but be prepared, when necessary, to make an example of our power.
Abraham Lincoln: It is true that you may fool all the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all the time; but you can't fool all of the people all the time.
Georges Pompidou: A statesman is a politician who places himself at the service of the nation. A politician is a statesman who places the nation at his service.
Jimmy Carter: America did not invent human rights. In a very real sense ... human rights invented America.
Franklin D. Roosevelt: We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.
Woodrow Wilson: I would rather lose in a cause that will some day win, than win in a cause that will some day lose!
The Thinkers Team ~
Francis Bacon: If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainty.
Laozi: Failure is the foundation of success; success is the lurking place of failure.
Baruch Spinoza: Fear cannot be without some hope nor hope without some fear.
Bernard Baruch: Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Benjamin Disraeli: Action may not always bring happiness ... but there is no happiness without action.
Leonardo da Vinci: Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.
Havelock Ellis: Charm is a woman's strength just as strength is a man's charm.
Cicero: Natural ability without education has more often raised a man to glory and virtue than education without natural ability.
Confucius: The superior man is easy to serve, but difficult to please ... The inferior man is difficult to serve, but easy to please.
Erich Fromm: Infantile love follows the principle: 'I love because I am loved.' Mature love follows the principle: 'I am loved because I love.' Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'
Alfred North Whitehead: The art of progress is to preserve order amid change, and to preserve change amid order.
Jefferson Davis: Never be haughty to the humble; never be humble to the haughty.
The Writers Team ~
Zig Ziglar: You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.
W. Somerset Maugham: At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely.
Thomas Huxley: Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.
Phillips Brooks: Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks.
Cyril Connolly: Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
F. Scott Fitzgerald: You don't write because you want to say something; you write because you've got something to say.
G. K. Chesterton: There is a great deal of difference between the eager man who wants to read a book and the tired man who wants a book to read.
Sam Ewing: It's not the hours you put in your work that count, it's work you put in the hours.
Edgar Watson Howe: A man has his clothes made to fit him; a woman makes herself fit her clothes.
Helen Rowland: To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end.
Peter De Vries: The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.
Thomas à Kempis: A wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover as the love of the giver.
William Shakespeare: O powerful love, that in some respects makes a beast a man, in some other, a man a beast.
John Churton Collins: Half of our mistakes in life arises from feeling where we ought to think, and thinking where we ought to feel.
H. L. Mencken: It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull.
Mark Twain: It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
Kahlil Gibran: When you love you should not say, 'God is in my heart,' but rather, 'I am in the heart of God.' And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Elbert Hubbard: If your religion does not change you, then you should change your religion.
The Underdogs Team ~
Mae West: It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men.
Anonymous: Marriage is the price men pay for sex; sex is the price women pay for marriage.
Jim Backus: Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
Amy Carmichael: You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
E. Y. Harburg: To let a fool kiss you is stupid. To let a kiss fool you is worse.
Mason Cooley: Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex and minus reason.
John D. Rockefeller, Jr.: A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Thomas J. Watson, Sr.: You have to put your heart in the business and the business in your heart.
Gene Mauch: I'm not the manager because I'm always right, but I'm always right because I'm the manager.
Herb Kelleher: Think small and act small, and we'll get bigger. Think big and act big, and we'll get smaller.
Anonymous: Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
Jean Cocteau: Art produces ugly things which frequently become beautiful with time. Fashion ... produces beautiful things which always become ugly with time.
Anonymous: The secret of life is not to do what you like but to like what you do.
Kevin Costner: When a defining moment comes along, you define the moment, or the moment defines you.
Walter Winchell: Money sometimes makes fools of important persons, but it may also make important persons of fools.
John F. Kennedy: And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.
Abraham Lincoln: It has been said of the world's history hitherto that might makes right. It is for us and for our time to reverse the maxim, and to say that right makes might.
Ronald Reagan: Nations do not mistrust each other because they are armed; they are armed because they mistrust each other.
Mao Zedong: Politics is war carried out without bloodshed, while war is politics carried out with bloodshed.
John F. Kennedy: Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind.
Bill Clinton: As we have throughout this century, we will lead with the power of our example, but be prepared, when necessary, to make an example of our power.
Abraham Lincoln: It is true that you may fool all the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all the time; but you can't fool all of the people all the time.
Georges Pompidou: A statesman is a politician who places himself at the service of the nation. A politician is a statesman who places the nation at his service.
Jimmy Carter: America did not invent human rights. In a very real sense ... human rights invented America.
Franklin D. Roosevelt: We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.
Woodrow Wilson: I would rather lose in a cause that will some day win, than win in a cause that will some day lose!
The Thinkers Team ~
Francis Bacon: If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainty.
Laozi: Failure is the foundation of success; success is the lurking place of failure.
Baruch Spinoza: Fear cannot be without some hope nor hope without some fear.
Bernard Baruch: Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Benjamin Disraeli: Action may not always bring happiness ... but there is no happiness without action.
Leonardo da Vinci: Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.
Havelock Ellis: Charm is a woman's strength just as strength is a man's charm.
Cicero: Natural ability without education has more often raised a man to glory and virtue than education without natural ability.
Confucius: The superior man is easy to serve, but difficult to please ... The inferior man is difficult to serve, but easy to please.
Erich Fromm: Infantile love follows the principle: 'I love because I am loved.' Mature love follows the principle: 'I am loved because I love.' Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'
Alfred North Whitehead: The art of progress is to preserve order amid change, and to preserve change amid order.
Jefferson Davis: Never be haughty to the humble; never be humble to the haughty.
The Writers Team ~
Zig Ziglar: You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.
W. Somerset Maugham: At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely.
Thomas Huxley: Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.
Phillips Brooks: Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks.
Cyril Connolly: Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
F. Scott Fitzgerald: You don't write because you want to say something; you write because you've got something to say.
G. K. Chesterton: There is a great deal of difference between the eager man who wants to read a book and the tired man who wants a book to read.
Sam Ewing: It's not the hours you put in your work that count, it's work you put in the hours.
Edgar Watson Howe: A man has his clothes made to fit him; a woman makes herself fit her clothes.
Helen Rowland: To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end.
Peter De Vries: The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.
Thomas à Kempis: A wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover as the love of the giver.
William Shakespeare: O powerful love, that in some respects makes a beast a man, in some other, a man a beast.
John Churton Collins: Half of our mistakes in life arises from feeling where we ought to think, and thinking where we ought to feel.
H. L. Mencken: It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull.
Mark Twain: It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
Kahlil Gibran: When you love you should not say, 'God is in my heart,' but rather, 'I am in the heart of God.' And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Elbert Hubbard: If your religion does not change you, then you should change your religion.
The Underdogs Team ~
Mae West: It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men.
Anonymous: Marriage is the price men pay for sex; sex is the price women pay for marriage.
Jim Backus: Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
Amy Carmichael: You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
E. Y. Harburg: To let a fool kiss you is stupid. To let a kiss fool you is worse.
Mason Cooley: Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex and minus reason.
John D. Rockefeller, Jr.: A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Thomas J. Watson, Sr.: You have to put your heart in the business and the business in your heart.
Gene Mauch: I'm not the manager because I'm always right, but I'm always right because I'm the manager.
Herb Kelleher: Think small and act small, and we'll get bigger. Think big and act big, and we'll get smaller.
Anonymous: Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
Jean Cocteau: Art produces ugly things which frequently become beautiful with time. Fashion ... produces beautiful things which always become ugly with time.
Anonymous: The secret of life is not to do what you like but to like what you do.
Kevin Costner: When a defining moment comes along, you define the moment, or the moment defines you.
Walter Winchell: Money sometimes makes fools of important persons, but it may also make important persons of fools.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Jokes to makes you laugh
Man: Doctor my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her to get it back?
Doctor: Try to come home at 3 in the morning.
Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?
-The Bachelor comes home, takes one look at what's in the refrigerator, and goes to bed.
-The Married man comes home, takes one look at what's in the bed and goes to refrigerator!
Parent: How did you write your exam?
Son: they have given the questions which I don't know. So I wrote answers which they don't know..!!
Decent girls open a few buttons in a hot atmosphere.. .
But smart girls open a few buttons to make the atmosphere hot!
One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM: Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.
SON: But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school.
MOM: Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.
SON: One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.
MOM: Oh! That's not a r...eason. Come on, you have to go to school.
SON: Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?
MOM: One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: Try to come home at 3 in the morning.
Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?
-The Bachelor comes home, takes one look at what's in the refrigerator, and goes to bed.
-The Married man comes home, takes one look at what's in the bed and goes to refrigerator!
Parent: How did you write your exam?
Son: they have given the questions which I don't know. So I wrote answers which they don't know..!!
Decent girls open a few buttons in a hot atmosphere.. .
But smart girls open a few buttons to make the atmosphere hot!
One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM: Wake up, son. It's time to go to school.
SON: But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school.
MOM: Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.
SON: One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.
MOM: Oh! That's not a r...eason. Come on, you have to go to school.
SON: Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?
MOM: One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All for a Kiss ...
One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.
As they were about to wish each other good night at the front door, the guy started feeling a little more romantic. With an air of confidence,
he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss ?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
" Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
He asked grinning at her.
" No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
" No way, it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
" No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
" No, no. I just can't" " I'm begging you ... "
Suddenly..... Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And
in a sleepy voice she said,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if needed, mom says she can come down herself and do it,
but for God's sake.....
"TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL.........."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As they were about to wish each other good night at the front door, the guy started feeling a little more romantic. With an air of confidence,
he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss ?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
" Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
He asked grinning at her.
" No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
" No way, it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
" No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
" No, no. I just can't" " I'm begging you ... "
Suddenly..... Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And
in a sleepy voice she said,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if needed, mom says she can come down herself and do it,
but for God's sake.....
"TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL.........."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All Hilarious Little Johnny collection
Do Hearts Have Legs ?
Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."
The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"
Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."
---------------------------------------------
Dinner Table........
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".
----------------------------------------------
Johney needs a bike.........
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
-----------------------------------------------
Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."
The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"
Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."
---------------------------------------------
Dinner Table........
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".
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Johney needs a bike.........
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
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Confessing Adultery
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now publish
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get
a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____ _
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you
go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law.
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get
a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____ _
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you
go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law.
Two Christians Lost in the Desert
Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert .
One is called David, the other is called Michael .
They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an minaret of a mosque in the middle.
David said to Michael : "Look, let's pretend we are Muslim, otherwise these Arabs are going to kill us. I am going to call myself Mohammed."
Michael refused to change his name, he said: " My name is Michael, and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am . ...Michael."
The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names .
David said: "My name is Mohammed ."
Michael said: "My name is Michael. "
The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said: "Please bring some food and water for Michael only."
Then he turned to the other and said : "Well Mohammed I hope you are aware that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan."
One is called David, the other is called Michael .
They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an minaret of a mosque in the middle.
David said to Michael : "Look, let's pretend we are Muslim, otherwise these Arabs are going to kill us. I am going to call myself Mohammed."
Michael refused to change his name, he said: " My name is Michael, and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am . ...Michael."
The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names .
David said: "My name is Mohammed ."
Michael said: "My name is Michael. "
The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said: "Please bring some food and water for Michael only."
Then he turned to the other and said : "Well Mohammed I hope you are aware that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan."
Nudist Beach
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to
wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately
gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me? The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection,
it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool,
lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily
lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the
Steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man,
"Its a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office,
Where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist,
"May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card.
You can have the key back and you can keep
the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here
for a few hours. You haven't had the chance
to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month.
I fart 15 times a day."
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to
wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately
gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me? The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection,
it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool,
lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily
lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the
Steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man,
"Its a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office,
Where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist,
"May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card.
You can have the key back and you can keep
the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here
for a few hours. You haven't had the chance
to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month.
I fart 15 times a day."
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