Practically all parents consider their children as their mostimportant asset. So we send them for additional lessons in music, art,computer, speech and drama, dance, ballet, tennis, etc. We also buy forthem expensive toys, computer games, etc. to keep them occupied. Wethink that by doing so we are giving them a head start in life. But weseldom stop to ask ourselves whether we have equipped them for a life ofself-worth and confidence. Why do I say that?
It has been said that by the time a child is seven years old;his attitude is set for life. And when our young child constantly peltsus with his questions, (and we are hard pressed by our furiouslycompetitive jobs) how do we normally respond? Have we stopped andreflected on our attitude towards his insatiable questioning?
Now consider for a moment, a child coming into a room to ask Dador Mom questions or to invite Mom or Dad to play with him or to requestspending time with Dad or Mom, but the parent frequently says, "I'm toobusy now." What does that signal to the child? To the child the messageis perceived as. "To Dad, I'm not as important as the newspaper he isreading or the time he spends doing his work at the computer. To Mom, I'm not worth as much as her soap opera on television."
We forget that children rarely want to spend much time inconversation with their parents. Yes, they ask lots of questions andwhen they get the answers, they then move on to the next thing thatcaptures their attention. They may sit close a while, perhaps give orreceive a hug, and then they are off.
If you are a parent, I would encourage you to make time for yourchild when your child needs a moment. Most chores can be postponed for afew seconds or minutes. Most activities can be interrupted without yousuffering harm or losing out on important information. If you must delayyour response to your child for a minute or two, call your child to yourside and put your arm around him so that you convey the message, "I wantyou close to me. I like being with you.
I'm not rejecting you, merelydelaying my response to your question for a few moments." We don't think of the harm we are doing to their adult life whenwe fail to give them the time they need. Imagine what it is likewhenever we go and talk to our boss and our boss frequently has no timefor us. Our confidence will be shattered and our self-worth will plungedrastically. What about the child when we unthinkingly do the same?
Havewe spent time reflecting on this? Have I unconsciously sent a message tomy child that might be summed up, "What I want to do is vastly moreimportant than whatever pain I cause you." This message will beinternalized by the child as "I am not worth being around" "I am notworthy to be appreciated and noticed" and it will show up later in hislife as a lack of self-worth.
Parents, who make time to informally tutor their child and notscold them whenever the child asks question, will give the child a verystrong sense of self-identity and self-worth. They affirm their child.They give their attention to their child. They acknowledge to the childthat he is important and worth listening to. The child will have thisintuitive sense that, "I am important to my parents. I am so importantthat they want the very best for me, including the very best educationthey believe they can give to me.
I am so important that they arewilling to spend time and energy with me. My parents believe I have theability to learn and are willing to teach me, and therefore, I must beable to learn well." A cycle is created: the child is encouraged, thechild feels worthy, and the child makes an even bigger effort inlearning as a result of the feelings of self-worth. So the childachieves more and learns more. Through his accomplishments and theresulting praises and cheers from the parents, the child has an enhancedfeeling of self-worth and the cycle goes round again.
Unfortunately today, we have a mantra that many parents repeatby saying, "I spend quality time with my child and I don't need quantitytime with my child." They delude themselves! A child, who often doesnot feel he has access to his parents when he needs the access, does notfeel he is loved. He will feel ignored, shunned, insecure and of lessworth. Such a child will inevitably have problem with his sense ofself-worth later on in life.
The essence of our love for our children is not what we providefor them, but how much we give of ourselves to them. Men, in particular,often don't understand this. Many have said, "I don't understand mychildren. I provide them with everything they need. They don'tappreciate my hard work for them. What more do they want?" They wantyou! Your ears, your attention, your presence--- Yes your time. "Whatthat must be a joke. Where do I find the time in my stressful life?" yousay.
Your most precious gift is your time. Only when you give up your(leisure, computer, game, social, TV, etc) time, do you truly prove yourlove for your children. Whenever you give your time, you are making asacrifice, and sacrifice is the essence of love. Thus, you show yourlove in action and not in words only.
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